Coincidences
by liv.einziger
Summary: A new case brings a former detective back to the Special Victims Unit after seven years, but not in any way Olivia Benson could have expected. Bensler.
1. In the Neighborhood

_**A new case brings a former detective back to the Special Victims Unit after seven years, but not in any way Olivia Benson could have expected. Bensler.**_

1 - IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

Olivia Benson arrived early at the precinct on a sunny Monday morning after dropping Noah off at school. She greeted her detectives, Amanda and Carisi, and her sargeant and old friend, Fin, on her way to her office. They seemed distracted with their computers and cell phones, which told her it was a slow morning so far.

She dropped off her purse on her desk and hung her coat. As she made her way to her chair, her cell phone rang, and Peter Stone was on the other end of the line to let her know the sentencing for their latest convicted rapist.

"That's great news, Peter," she commended. "You did a great job with this one."

"Thanks to your solid case," he retorted, bringing a smile to her face. "Are you free for lunch?"

Olivia took a glance at her calendar and saw no meetings or other appointments around lunch time, so she accepted the ADA's invitation, and he promised to meet her at the precinct around noon.

Peter Stone was a good guy, Olivia had already decided. At first, she didn't welcome his presence as the new Assistant District Attorney for SVU because he was replacing Rafael Barba, who had become a close friend and her latest loss on the job. But after a while, they found their pace for working together and developed a healthy camaraderie.

As he had just arrived from Chicago, Peter didn't know many people in the city, so he quickly seemed to look to her as a friend, especially after losing his sister. She enjoyed his company and had already gotten used to frequent lunches and drinks after work.

Olivia's thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the open door, making her look up.

"Liv, we got a case," Amanda announced. "Thirty-one-year-old female, raped and beaten. She arrived at Bellevue all banged up and looking confused."

Olivia nodded, getting up from her chair.

"Let's go see her," she said.

"Are you sure? I can take Carisi."

"That's ok," Olivia replied with a wave of her hand, getting her coat from the rack.

Olivia preferred to have a hands-on approach to her work. Even though she was now a lieutenant and in charge of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit of the New York Police Department, she liked to be involved in the investigations, interviews, interrogations. She figured she'd always be a detective first, and a boss and everything that entailed second.

She was on her twentieth year with the unit and could still remember the beginning, when she had just become a detective. She was green, but eager to learn, and she leaned on her captain, Donald Cragen, and her fellow detectives to learn the ropes, especially her partner, who had already been in the unit for several years before her.

Elliot. Now and then, memories of their twelve-year partnership invaded her, even though it had already been seven years since he had put in his papers and disappeared from her life. She had mourned him for a long time, but she had already decided that the case was closed. He had left, and many other, more important changes happened in her life since then. Training a new team of detectives, being promoted, being kidnapped, adopting a child. In face of all of that, she told herself, the loss of Elliot Stabler seemed like just a small detail.

When she first joined the unit, she could feel Elliot didn't believe she would last. She felt like he was prejudiced by the fact that she was young and a woman, but she quickly gained his respect by showing not only that she could stomach the horrible things they saw every day, but also that she had a talent for dealing with victims. It was really ironic that the one who eventually couldn't deal with SVU and quit was him, not her. She wondered what would have happened if he had stayed. Would he be the lieutenant instead of her? She couldn't imagine him in the position.

She parked the car at the Bellevue Hospital parking lot after the silent trip with Amanda, shaking off any lingering thoughts about Elliot. Amanda looked for the nurse in charge of their victim as soon as they walked into the hospital halls.

"Her name is Jessica Smithson," the nurse described, walking them across the emergency room. "She came to the ER early this morning with extensive bleeding from her rectum and vagina, several bruises all over her body and with her clothes all ripped up. She was in shock, so she didn't say much, but there were clear signs of rape. We did a rape kit and called you guys."

"Thank you," said Amanda to the nurse as she pulled the curtain around the victim's bed, revealing her.

The woman looked younger than thirty-one, Olivia thought, and she was in bad shape. She was crying silent tears and tugging at the hospital gown as if attempting to hide herself. Olivia pulled a sheet up to cover her legs, capturing her immediate attention. She looked thankful.

"Jessica?" Amanda called in a low, soft voice. The woman turned to face her without a word, looking fragile like a little girl. "I'm Detective Amanda Rollins, this is Lieutenant Olivia Benson. Can we ask you a few questions about your attack?"

Jessica nodded almost imperceptibly, looking from Olivia to Amanda.

"Jessica, do you know who did this to you?" Olivia asked, as softly as she could. "Tell us what you remember."

Her crying intensified, and Olivia felt once again like she wasn't as old as her ID said she was.

"I was raped," she said among tears. "I didn't see his face. I'm sorry!"

"Ok, honey, that's ok," Olivia assured her. "We'll find him, don't worry. You're doing great."

"Where and when were you attacked?" Amanda asked.

"In my apartment, last night."

"Do you live alone?" Olivia asked, wondering if there was a boyfriend in the picture.

"Yes, I do," Jessica confirmed, telling them her address in Manhattan.

"Ok, we'll send a crime scene unit over there," said Olivia, texting Carisi the address.

"Jessica," Amanda called. "We need you to authorize us to get your rape kit. We really need that in order to put your attacker behind bars."

"What's that?" Jessica asked, looking at Olivia, and there was that little girl look in her face again.

"It's the evidence the nurses collected as soon as you came in," she explained. "It's really important that we have our lab analyze it."

"Okay," Jessica said, nodding to Olivia.

"Great, sweetie, you're being very brave," Olivia took Jessica's hand, and she squeezed it. "Can we go down to the station now so I can take your statement?"

Jessica hesitated, but nodded, never letting go of Olivia's hand. Olivia nodded at Amanda, instructing her to drop off the rape kit at the lab and go meet Carisi at the crime scene while she dealt with the victim. The detective nodded and left.

Olivia saw a lot of herself in Amanda. She was strong, single-minded and stubborn, yet at the same time had a soft side, just like her when she was a detective. After all the changes in the team over the years, Amanda had become Olivia's number two, a configuration she was very satisfied with. It was almost like having another her as her lead detective, someone she could trust would handle things like she would, for the most part. Amanda was now partnered with Carisi, a young and eager detective who had a sensibility she'd never seen in a male colleague. He studied law, but in her opinion, he was made for SVU. He was good with victims and with perps, and he got the job done without losing his head in the process. She sometimes thought of him as the anti-Elliot.

There was Elliot, popping up in her head again. It had been a while since she had thought of him. She shook it off again as she pulled up outside the precinct and focused on the job at hand as she led the victim through the precinct and into the squad room. Olivia was walking Jessica into the interview room next to her office when her phone rang.

"I'll be right there," she told Jessica, then picked up the phone. "Benson."

"Hey Liv," said Amanda on the other end, checking in. "I was just at the lab, I'm going to the crime scene now."

"Anything on the rape kit?" Olivia asked.

"No fluids, it seems the perp used a condom," Amanda informed her. "But there was some blood under her fingernails, they'll test it for DNA."

"Ok, thanks, Amanda."

Olivia waved at Fin to go watch from behind the glass in her office as she took the victim's statement and walked back into the interview room, where Jessica was standing, immobile in her borrowed NYPD hoodie and sweatpants.

"Here, take a seat," Olivia said, motioning her over to the table in the center of the room and sitting down beside her. "Jessica, I know this is really hard, but I need you to tell me what happened, from the beginning."

Jessica looked at her, tears forming again in her eyes, and nodded.

"I was getting home from work, I work at a cafe" she said, "and I noticed a presence behind me. When I turned around, I recognized my next-door neighbor, I don't know his name.

"Did he attack you?" Olivia asked.

"No, he went into his apartment," Jessica said, seeming confused. "I mean, I don't know, it could have been him, I didn't hear his door close before getting into my apartment and I didn't see anybody else around. I opened the door and that's when I felt someone shoving me into the apartment and closing the door behind us. Then I felt a sharp pain in the back of my head and I guess I passed out, because the next thing I know, I was in my bed with my hands tied, and he was getting on top of me."

She started crying. "I'm sorry," she said.

"That's ok, Jessica. Take your time, I know this is hard. So you saw him on top of you?"

"I didn't, he had blindfolded me," she corrected. "I think he used a shirt or something. But I felt his weight on top of me." She paused, trying to contain her tears. "And then he raped me… several times."

"Did you fight him? There was blood under your fingernails."

"My hands were tied at first, but then he said he wanted to see me struggle and untied me."

Olivia grimaced at the rapist's comment, and felt sorry that she needed to push for more information.

"Do you remember what he said exactly?"

"Yes," she cried. "He said… Ok, babe, now let's see you struggle a little."

Olivia blinked her eyes slowly, taking the information in with disgust. She nodded, motioning for Jessica to continue.

"I started fighting like hell and that's when he started to beat me. He was punching me and I was trying to fight him off, and I guess he knocked me unconscious, because when I woke up he was gone and I was a bloody mess."

Jessica cried some more. Olivia put her hand on top of hers and squeezed gently.

"Do you have any idea where you scratched him? That must have been how his blood ended up under your fingernails during the struggle."

Jessica shook her head, wiping her tears on the her sleeve.

"I don't know, I was blindfolded and trying to keep him away from me. I'm sorry."

"That's ok, sweetie, don't worry. The lab has the blood and they'll test it. We'll find whoever did this to you."

"Thanks," Jessica said in what was almost a whisper.

* * *

"So, what do we got here?" Amanda said when she saw Carisi in Jessica Smithson's living room.

He finished up talking to a crime scene unit tech and approached her.

"Not much. No prints, no hairs, no fibers. The guy knew how to cover his tracks."

"He used a condom too," Amanda added. "This is no amateur."

"How's the vic?" Carisi wanted to know.

"A mess. Pretty banged up and I think emotionally she's even worse. She did scratch the son of a bitch though, we may still have some DNA."

"That's good," Carisi agreed.

Amanda's phone rang with a text from Olivia.

"Liv says to look for the next-door neighbor, doesn't specify which side."

"Maybe he'll have scratch marks," Carisi hoped.

They knocked on the apartment next door to the left of Jessica's apartment, calling out, but nobody answered. As they walked in the hallway towards the other apartment adjacent to Jessica's, they saw a man coming in towards it, walking slowly as he saw the movement of the police in the apartment. He carried a duffel bag.

"Sir," Amanda called, showing her shield. "NYPD, can we ask you a few questions?"

"What's going on?" the man wanted to know.

"Do you know Jessica Smithson?"

"Who?" the man asked, looking towards Jessica's apartment.

"Your next-door neighbor," Carisi replied, suspicious. "You don't know your neighbors' names?"

"Not really," the man said cautiously. "I haven't been spending a lot of time at home. But I've seen her around. Something happened?"

"She was attacked," Carisi said, not specifying. "Did you hear anything?"

"No, I wasn't home."

Amanda noticed what looked like a fresh scratch on the man's forearm near his hand.

"Sir, how did you get that?" she asked, pointing at the scratch and exchanging a look with Carisi.

The man looked down at his arm and replied.

"Wood splinter. Chopping wood at my cabin. I was there until this morning." The man lifted the duffel bag slightly as if to illustrate.

"Can anyone verify that?" Amanda asked. "Was there anybody there with you?"

The man sighed, getting impatient.

"No. I was alone."

The detectives exchanged looks again.

"Sir, you're gonna have to come with us to the station," Carisi announced.

* * *

After taking Jessica's statement, Olivia headed to the break room to get a coffee for the victim and one for herself, suddenly in need of a pick-me-up after hearing the details about the hours of torture that Jessica had been through. She asked Fin to start working on the timeline on her way towards the break room. As she was serving the second coffee, Carisi came into the room.

"Hey lieu," he said, "We just got back from the crime scene and brought a suspect. Vic's next-door neighbor, has a scratch on his arm and no alibi. We're about to question him, do you want to watch?"

"Sure," Olivia said, starting to follow Carisi.

"Oh, and curious thing, he mentioned your name."

"What?" Olivia asked, stopping on her tracks. "How come?"

"Yeah, it was weird. When we walked into the interrogation room, he seemed to recognize it and asked if you still worked here. Maybe you've collared him before?"

"Maybe," she said, starting to walk again. "What's his name?"

Carisi looked down at his file and, when he spoke, he saw the color leave Olivia's face.

"Elliot Stabler."


	2. The Door

2 - THE DOOR

The surroundings were painfully familiar, yet everything was different. He walked through the redecorated squad room, looking for his old desk out of habit, but couldn't see it. He also looked for any familiar items on the desks, hoping he would recognize anything belonging to his former colleagues. He didn't recognize anything or anyone on the way to the interrogation room. It was like the room made a point to remind him that he didn't belong anymore.

When the detectives announced they were taking him to the precinct for further questioning, Elliot decided not to bring up his past as a cop. He didn't want to seem like he wanted special treatment or raise more suspicions by trying to claim he was above suspicion. He hoped everything would be cleared up without the need to drop any NYPD names, and simply obliged to the detectives' request to come with them.

However, when he recognized the precinct, and especially when he got off the elevator on the SVU floor, he started to rethink that approach. If he was being brought to answer questions about an SVU case, it was bound to be a sex crime, and he knew well that any suspicion of involvement in that type of case could be a lot harder to clear up. Especially if nobody there knew him from his time as a detective.

As he thought about all that and looked for any familiar signs, he allowed himself to wonder specifically about her. _Olivia_. He felt a tightness in his chest as he remembered his former partner and wondered if she still worked there. Seven years had passed. Seven years worth of gruesome cases, ruined lives and failures in the justice system allowing guilty perps to get away with the horrible things they had done. He wondered if anything could have happened to make her decide to leave, as he had, or if she had been stronger than him. Probably.

The air escaped his lungs as another possibility emerged in his mind: what if _something_ had happened to Olivia? What if she had gotten hurt, or worse… He didn't allow himself to go down that road. He tried to soothe his sudden worry by thinking that if something bad had happened, he would have known. But then he remembered that he had taken every measure to make sure he was out of reach. How would he have known?

The grey-haired detective sat him down in the interrogation room, and Elliot uttered his first words since they had left the apartment building, in a sudden need to know:

"Does Detective Benson still work here?" He could hear the anxiety in his own voice.

The detective furrowed his brow, and Elliot couldn't make out any signs of recognition in his face.

"Sit tight," the detective said, ignoring his question. "I'll be back."

Elliot sighed, looking at the double-sided glass and wondering who was watching behind it.

* * *

"Are you all right, lieutenant?" Carisi asked, worried, placing an arm under her armpit, and that's when Olivia realized she had momentarily lost her balance.

"I'm fine," she said, before making sure she really was. She steadied her legs and shook her head to get rid of the dizziness. She felt the blood coming back to her face. "Don't worry, I'm fine," she repeated, with more conviction this time.

"Did you recognize the name?" Carisi said, slowly releasing her from his grip.

Olivia looked up at him, remembering the reason for her physical reaction. "Yes," she let out breathlessly, then cleared her throat. "Yes, I did. It's my old partner."

Carisi dropped his jaw in shock, looking like he didn't know what to do with that information. That's when Amanda and Fin joined them.

"Elliot's here?" Fin asked bluntly, looking intently at Olivia. "Amanda asked me to run his name for a rap sheet. Did you see him?"

"Not yet," Olivia managed to reply, still trying to make sense of the situation.

"Our suspect is a former cop," Carisi explained to a puzzled Amanda. "A former _SVU_ cop."

Amanda opened her mouth, looking at Olivia, and taking in her boss' expression and body language, she understood.

"Your partner before Nick? Why didn't he say anything?"

"He did," Carisi rectified. "He asked about the lieu."

Amanda nodded, trying to infer from Olivia and Fin's stance whether the new information had any impact on the suspicions around the man they had brought in, but they looked almost as confused as she felt.

"I assume you'll want to question him," she said, ready to take the party to the interrogation room, but she was stopped by Olivia's hurried reply.

"No," she said, a bit louder than intended. Then, she cleared her throat and fixed her tone. "Not yet. Let's not mix things up. Why is he a suspect again?" She had already forgotten Carisi's description.

"He lives next door from the victim and showed up with a fresh scratch on his arm," Amanda explained.

Olivia took that information in, but didn't believe for a moment he could be the perp. Then, she reminded herself she hadn't seen him in seven years and didn't know him anymore.

"He can't be our perp," Fin voiced, looking like he was going through the same thought process. "Can he?"

"Does he have an alibi?" Olivia asked, wondering if Kathy also lived there next to the victim and would vouch for him. _Kathy_. That name still hurt even voiced only in her mind.

"No," Carisi said. "He claims he was out of town, alone. He did show up carrying an overnight bag."

"Ok," Olivia said, recollecting herself. "Let's get this over with then. You two question him," she pointed at Amanda and Carisi, then went on looking at Fin, "I don't want any familiar faces around him yet. Let's see what he says. I'll watch from my office."

"You got it, lieu," Carisi said, heading to the interrogation room with Amanda.

Olivia walked into her office with Fin, both silent, her eyes trained on the closed blinds that covered the glass, asking herself if it was really possible that Elliot was right behind it, that she would really see him there. It didn't seem like a real possibility, it was weird to think that he still existed after so much time getting used to a reality in which he didn't.

She took a deep breath and opened the blinds. As soon as the cover was pulled, she was immediately looking at those blue eyes that used to be the most frequent sight in her life for so long. She looked at Fin looking for confirmation that Elliot was really sitting there.

"I'll be damned," Fin said, looking just as shocked.

Amanda and Carisi entered the interrogation room and sat across from Elliot as Olivia took the sight of him in. He was a bit older, with some grey hair on his head and on the slight beard around his jaw and neck. He was wearing a dark grey t-shirt with long sleeves rolled up, and she saw the scratch the detectives had mentioned. He seemed calm as he looked back at Carisi when he spoke.

"So, Mr. Stabler, like we said, we need to ask you a few more questions."

Elliot nodded cautiously.

"How long have you lived in that apartment?" Amanda asked.

"Four years," he said, and the familiarity of his voice struck Olivia harder than she had expected.

"Alone?" shot Carisi.

"Yes," he confirmed.

"No Kathy," Olivia let out in an involuntary whisper, and beat herself up over it, avoiding Fin's eyes. To her relief, he acted like he hadn't heard her.

"Do you know Jessica Smithson, your neighbor?" Carisi showed him a picture of Jessica.

"No, never spoke to her," Elliot said, sighing impatiently. "Like I told you, I spend more time in my cabin these days."

Amanda and Carisi proceeded with the interrogation, asking for the location of the cabin and confirming again that he had no alibi for the night before. They also asked him to volunteer a DNA sample, to which he didn't object.

Olivia watched it all as if she were detached from that reality. Elliot Stabler, her old partner, in an interrogation room answering questions from the new SVU detectives, while she watched from behind the glass in Cragen's old office. She sighed. It really seemed like Elliot didn't have any information about the case or wouldn't volunteer any, and there was no reason to continue asking questions that wouldn't lead anywhere.

Amanda and Carisi seemed to think the same thing as they both threw glances at the glass and got up to come into her office. Before Amanda opened the door between the two rooms, though, Elliot asked a question.

"Detective, please." Amanda turned to him. "Olivia Benson, does she still work here?"

Olivia felt her heart jump when she heard her name in his voice, and before Amanda could reply to him, she knocked on the glass to urge the detectives out of the room. She didn't want him to know yet. She didn't know why exactly, but she suspected she was afraid to find out why he wanted that information. Was it because he wanted to see her or because he _didn't_?

Elliot's question went unanswered again, but he heard the knock on the glass at the mention of Olivia's name and saw the puzzled look on the female detective's face. They knew Olivia. Maybe she was even behind the glass, at which he stared now, containing the impulse to follow the detectives out towards the other side. He felt his chest tightening as he imagined seeing her again. He had no idea what that would feel like, and he was suddenly afraid to find out.

"Can I go?" he asked after his previous question was ignored and with a sudden need to get away from that place, but the detectives were already closing the door behind them. "I have nothing to do with your case. I wasn't even home."

Olivia almost felt like Elliot could see her through the glass when he looked at it, and that sensation sent shivers down her spine. Amanda and Carisi came through the door, ignoring Elliot. He seemed to calm down, still looking at the glass, and Olivia guessed he was waiting for the deliberation to take place in the next room, aware as he was of how interrogations worked.

"So what now?" Amanda asked, all business, bringing Olivia back from her reverie.

"Now we wait for the DNA results," she sighed.

"I'll take the sample to the lab and ask them to put a rush on it," Carisi said, leaving the office.

"We could do a voice line-up," Fin offered. "See if the vic recognizes his voice."

Olivia had almost forgotten that the perp had said something to Jessica. She hated being off her game like that, especially because Elliot was the reason for it.

"Yes, good idea," she said distractedly. She was looking at the door to the interrogation room, suddenly flabbergasted at the fact that simply going through that door would get her in the same room as Elliot after seven years of complete silence.

"I'll go arrange the line-up," Amanda said, sensing she should leave Olivia and Fin alone.

Fin gave her a thankful nod and waited for her to leave before addressing Olivia.

"How you holding up?" he asked.

Olivia had been watching Elliot as he stood up and started walking around the interrogation room with his hands in his pockets, looking very much like he used to when he was the one asking questions in there. She turned to Fin with a puzzled expression.

"I don't know," she said. "What do _you_ make of all this?"

She needed someone else's opinion, because she was having trouble connecting all the dots in the current situation. Elliot there, in the precinct, answering questions about a rape.

"I don't think he did it," Fin said. "I think this is a hell of a coincidence. Do you think he could be guilty?"

"No," Olivia said before thinking, then corrected herself. "I don't know. We don't know what happened since he left."

"Maybe you should ask," Fin said cautiously, watching for her reaction.

"Me?" she was suddenly breathless. As much as she wanted to confront him, she was suddenly very scared to cross that line, that seven-year line that separated them, even if crossing it was as simple as walking through a door.

"I could take a run at him first if you want."

"Please," she said, relieved. She was glad she could put off deciding whether she was going to speak to him or not.

"You got it." Fin took a deep breath before asking a question. "What do I say when he asks about you? 'Cause he will."


	3. Flashback

3 - FLASHBACK

About fifteen minutes had already gone by since the detectives had left Elliot alone in the interrogation room. He was walking around the familiar setting, the same he had walked around several times before while questioning suspects, facing the fact that now he was a suspect himself. He wasn't too worried though; they had swabbed his mouth, which meant there was DNA at the scene, and it wouldn't match his.

He was more worried about the unexpected visit to the Special Victims Unit. As he stared out the barred window and saw the familiar sight outside, he acknowledged how time seemed to disappear; it seemed like it was just yesterday that he had stood in this very room. Despite all the time and effort he had spent trying to bury those memories, as soon as he stepped into the precinct, it was like those seven years had never existed.

And Olivia. He couldn't stop wondering about her. Was she there? What had happened in her life during those seven years? As long as he stayed away, he didn't have to wonder. He could just pretend that she and the job were in a different dimension that he had no access to. He could just keep her locked in a box that he couldn't open, buried in the depths of a secret compartment in his heart.

Whenever she came to mind, he would just block the thought. Whenever he asked himself what her life was like after he had left, he would just shove those questions back inside and focus on something else. Now that he was there, where he had left her behind, he would have to find out. If she was there, he would see her. If she wasn't, he would have to know why. There was no walking away from it now; the locked box had resurfaced and was wide open, the key tossed away.

The sound of the door opening made him come crashing back to reality. He felt his heart jump during the millisecond between hearing the door and turning to look in its direction, and he could swear he saw the image of Olivia coming though it, but somehow, the person who walked in was actually Fin. By then, however, he had already let her name escape from his lips.

"Liv…"

"Hey, I know I look good, but not _that_ good," Fin joked, making Elliot smile.

"Sorry, I just…" he said, shaking his head, intending to add something to finish the sentence, but never getting around to it. He was glad to see Fin. He looked older.

Fin pulled a chair and sat at the table. Elliot followed and sat down across from him.

"So Elliot, my man…" Fin started. "Long time no see. Where have you been, man?"

"Well, here and there," Elliot replied, intentionally not revealing much. Fin didn't insist.

"Yeah, well, glad to see you're ok," he said.

"Yeah, you too," Elliot said, then asked, cautiously. "So, Fin, am I a suspect?"

Fin shrugged, looking away.

"You know how it is, you've been on the other side of this table."

Elliot frowned; he had expected Fin to be more forthcoming, but he figured there would be no professional courtesy seeing as he was no longer on the job.

"Do I need a lawyer?" he asked, but he already knew Fin wouldn't answer. He had heard perps ask that question a million times.

"It's your right," Fin said, in a neutral tone. "I actually came here to let you know we'll do a voice line-up, and you can have a lawyer present if you want. Do you want to make a phone call?"

Elliot studied Fin's expression, but found no clues there. He was puzzled about the voice line-up, but again, he knew he wasn't guilty.

"No need," Elliot said, smiling at the ridiculousness of the situation.

Fin simply nodded, standing up again.

"Well, let us know if you change your mind." Fin started walking towards the door.

"Hey, Fin," Elliot called with urgency, making Fin spin on his feet. He paused, swallowing a lump in his throat as he gathered the courage to ask. "She here?"

He knew his expression was more supplicant now than when he was asking about the case.

Fin glanced at the mirror, and Elliot knew what he meant. She was right there behind the glass. He looked intently at it and didn't even notice Fin had left the room.

* * *

"Number four," a male voice called from behind the glass to indicate his turn.

Elliot cleared his throat, hesitated, and then said the line, disgusted.

"Ok, babe, now let's see you struggle a little." He waited, knowing that if the victim had recognized him, the other voices wouldn't speak.

"Number five," the voice called, and Elliot let out a heavy breath he didn't know he was holding.

After the last voice said the line, there was a moment of silence, and then the voice announced they were dismissed.

Elliot said a curse under his breath at his powerlessness, realizing he hated being on the other side of the game. He found himself analyzing what he knew so far about the case, trying to put the pieces together, and while he didn't like how easily he had fallen back into detective mode, he figured at least it gave him something to do until he was eventually cleared and released. Or until he saw her. He didn't know which one he was more anxious for.

A uniform came into the room to let the the other men go and escort him back to the interrogation room. As he walked, he tried to see or hear anything, looking especially for the characteristic sound of her voice. And then he heard it.

"...keep looking for the neighbor," she was saying.

He stopped walking, looking in the direction where her voice had come from, in the room next to the one where he had been. A tall, blond man walked out of the room.

"So, lunch?" he said.

And then she came out of the room right behind the tall man. Elliot tried to see her face, but she never turned in his direction.

"Sure," she replied to the tall man, walking away with him. The blonde detective came out from the room as well. "Amanda, keep me posted on the DNA."

"Ok, Liv," she said, staying behind and taking her cell phone from her pocket. She looked in Elliot's direction and their eyes crossed for a second as he tried to look past her in Olivia's direction.

* * *

"So I guess the line-up excludes him, right?" Peter asked, filling his mouth with food as he waited for her reply.

"We're waiting on the DNA, but I don't think it will be a match," Olivia said, for a moment almost forgetting who the suspect was. But Peter soon reminded her.

"What are the chances huh?" he said. "A former SVU detective turning up as a suspect in a rape investigation?"

"Tell me about it," she commented. "I never thought I'd hear from him again, especially not like this."

"So he just disappeared completely after he retired? After how many years working together?"

Olivia was glad he seemed surprised by that; at the precinct, everyone had acted like it wasn't a big deal that he didn't stay in touch with anyone. But it was a big deal.

"Twelve," she said, rejoicing in his look of confusion. She wanted to thank him.

"Wow, twelve," Peter said, wondering. "Longer than most marriages I know."

Olivia laughed, shaking her head, feeling comfortable talking about Elliot for the first time that day.

"He actually used to say that he was my longest relationship with a man," she confided, and noticed that Peter seemed surprised.

"Sounds territorial…" he commented, seeming hesitant, like he didn't want to offend her. "I don't know... possessive."

"Oh yeah," she agreed, vehemently nodding as she remembered how Elliot never missed a chance to let her boyfriends know he was the alpha male in her life.

"I can't imagine that at all," Peter said, squinting as he seemed to analyze her against what she was saying.

"Imagine what?" she was genuinely curious.

"You, letting a man have that hold on you."

Peter's words reverberated deep within her, making her smile fade as she looked away from him. She had never thought about it that way.

"Sorry," he rushed to say. "I didn't mean…"

"You're right," she interrupted. "He did have a hold on me. And I let him. It wasn't intentional, it was just who he was. Protective… He meant well. But I never set any limits. I would think of him whenever I made any decisions in my life, like he and I…" she trailed off as she reflected on what she was saying, and in her mind she didn't finish that sentence either. "And I never even questioned it."

That's when Olivia realized why she was afraid of speaking to Elliot. She continued to formulate the realization out loud, more to herself than to Peter. "I've overcome that after he left, and now I guess I'm scared that if I face him again, that feeling will be back… That power I let him have over me."

"There's only one way to find out," Peter offered.

* * *

Elliot searched the bag of chips for any remaining crumbs for the umpteenth time just for the lack of anything else to do. Upon not finding anything, he simply let it go again, taking another sip of his coffee. Fin had been kind enough to bring it to him along with some snacks. He was about to check the other empty bag of chips when the door suddenly opened, and the sight of Olivia made him freeze in place.

"Hey," Olivia said, biting back his nickname, as the syllable _El_ had been ready to roll off her tongue right after the greeting. She rushed to get to the point. "You're free to go."

Elliot felt like he had forgotten how to move. Or how to speak. He moved his mouth, trying to formulate something, but he wasn't able to. He thought he had prepared himself enough for the moment when he would face her, but he hadn't. He didn't think he ever could have.

She looked very different, yet exactly the same. Stunningly beautiful as always. It was her. _His Olivia_. The same Olivia he had seen for the most part of almost every day for so many years. The same one he hadn't seen at all for the past seven years. He felt like a wave hit him with all the longing he had bottled up during all that time, and it was like he felt the equivalent of seven years worth of missing her all at once, all in that moment as he took the sight of her in. He wanted to cross the room and hold her, make sure she was real.

Olivia had prepared herself to go in there and only talk about the case, tell him what she had to tell him and test the waters, see how she felt seeing him after so long, with some kind of illusion that she would be in control of the situation. She remembered how, ironically, that interrogation room was the same one where she had hidden to cry when she first heard of his retirement, and that alone threw her off. She cursed the stupid coincidence that had brought him back there.

"DNA came back," she went on, eager to break the awkward silence and clinging to the case to stay in control of her emotions. He was right there, staring back at her. Still existing. Like no time had passed. "It's not a match."

"Did she name a neighbor as her assailant?" Elliot asked, finding his voice. He figured talking about the case was the way to go, and he was glad to hear the words coming out successfully. He figured she might be using the same strategy, and he preferred to think that than to consider that the distance she had established between them didn't mean that she was indifferent to seeing him.

Olivia simply cocked her head to the side, furrowing her brow with a half-smile, more like a quarter of a smile, he thought, looking surprised. It seemed to be her turn to be speechless, so he figured he'd go on.

"I assume that's why you were checking me out, because I'm her neighbor. And because of the scratch, since there was DNA at the scene."

They stared at each other for another moment of silence. Olivia was surprised that he also seemed interested in keeping the case as the main - or only - subject of conversation, but she was also thankful as it was a safe terrain. She was also suddenly curious to hear his assumptions about it. Elliot, in turn, wanted to engage in conversation with her, and the only subject at hand at the moment was the case, so he continued.

"She's not dead, because I didn't see the ME car outside the building, only CSU."

Olivia had to smile, letting out a chuckle; it was impressive how Elliot still sounded just as cocky as the last time she saw him, always trying to look like he was in control of every situation. There he was, being treated as a suspect, yet acting like he was cracking the case for her.

"Did you talk to her boyfriend?" he asked, casually.

Olivia frowned, approaching the table slowly.

"She didn't mention one," she finally replied. "And she didn't seem to know her attacker."

"Well, I've seen him around," Elliot said, raising his eyebrows. "Usually comes over late at night, leaves in the morning. Older guy, late forties, fifties maybe."

"Why would he attack her?" Olivia leaned on the table with both hands.

"Don't know… Maybe she broke up with him and he wasn't having it?"

"Did you see any fights? Hear anything?"

Elliot shook his head. "No, nothing. She's pretty quiet actually."

Olivia nodded, making a mental note to ask Jessica about the boyfriend, then straightened up, crossing her arms.

"Thanks for the insight," she said, suddenly remembering he wasn't her partner anymore and she had no business discussing the case with him.

Elliot remembered the same thing. It had been so natural to exchange ideas with her, it was like they had done it just the day before. It suddenly seemed odd to him that he wasn't a detective anymore and that she was working on a case without him. Olivia walked to the door of the interview room and opened it, waving her hand as if to remind him he was free to go. Elliot cleared his throat and stood up, unable to shake the feeling that he shouldn't leave, that he should stay and help her.

"Liv…" he said, before he even realized he was speaking, but he felt like he couldn't leave without saying it. "I'm sorry I never called you back."

Olivia froze in place, shocked. She hadn't expected him to say that at all. The unspoken deal was to talk about the case only, why did he have to break it?

"I'm not doing this with you right now," she replied in a reflex, not much louder than a whisper, avoiding his eyes and trying not to show any emotion, but failing.

As much as she might have wanted to hear an apology, it seemed like such a small thing, like it didn't cover an inch of the mile-wide hole he had left when he disappeared from her life. She figured that hearing he was sorry after all that she had been through was worse than not hearing from him at all. She regretted coming to see him.

Elliot just stood there, not knowing what to do or say after her refusal. He looked down, resigned. What did he expect? He disappeared. He didn't exist for her anymore, she certainly hadn't made any reference to knowing him before he tried to apologize. She wanted to ignore everything that had ever happened between them, and it was her right.

"Okay," he replied. "I just wanted you to know."

"You know what?" she looked up at him again, pressing her lips together and shaking her head. "It doesn't matter anymore."

Both of them wondered if what she said meant that she wasn't mad anymore or that she didn't care anymore. Elliot finally approached the door, looking at her one last time, containing the urge to take her in his arms. With a sigh, he left.


	4. Visitors

4 - VISITORS

After interviewing all neighbors they could find in Jessica's building and turning up nothing useful, Rollins and Carisi moved to the cafe where Jessica worked in order to interview her colleagues as well.

"Can you think of anyone who might have wanted to hurt Jessica?" Amanda asked a shocked waitress who said she was Jessica's friend.

"No, everyone likes her," replied the woman, called Rebecca, and Amanda wasn't quite sure she believed her.

"Did you ever see anybody bothering her, following her around?" Carisi asked. "Maybe an annoying customer?"

Rebecca thought for a moment, then replied.

"Actually there is a regular who always asks for her. Even after she was promoted to admin and didn't wait the tables anymore, he would ask for her and she would take his order. An older guy, always orders decaf capuccino, sometimes with apple pie."

There it was, Amanda thought. Rebecca certainly looked a bit jealous as she described how Jessica had gone up the hierarchy in the cafe.

"Older how?" she asked.

"I don't know, about fifty years old?" Amanda and Carisi exchanged a look, remembering the boyfriend Olivia had told them about. "Maybe you should hang around for a while, see if he shows up."

"Ok, I could use some caffeine," Carisi said, smiling.

The detectives sat down at a table, drinking coffee while they observed, exchanging the occasional look with Rebecca to see if she would point out some incoming client as the one they were waiting for.

"So, Stabler," Carisi said after a while, setting down his cup. "What's the story there?"

"What story?" Rollins asked, squinting.

"With the lieutenant. I mean, there's gotta be something, right? Did you see how nervous she was?"

"Look at you, I wouldn't have pegged you for a gossiper," Amanda grinned mockingly, and watched, amused, as Carisi seemed really embarrassed. She thought it was cute how much he worried about what she thought of him.

"Well, I'm just curious, the guy left years ago and people still mention him in the corridors, plus Olivia's reaction today."

"Well, twelve years is a long time, I'm sure there's a lot of history," Amanda hedged. "But we should probably stay out of it."

Carisi was nodding at her last remark when he seemed to notice someone coming in.

"Here we go," he said, after receiving a nod from the waitress. He watched as a tall, grayish-haired man walked into the cafe, chose a table and parked there.

As Rebecca approached the man's table, they heard him ask where Jessica was and stood up to approach him.

"Excuse me, sir," Carisi showed his badge to the man. "NYPD, Special Victims Unit. I'm detective Carisi, this is detective Rollins. What's your name?"

"Wayne Greene," the man replied, visibly startled.

"Ok, Mr. Greene, we need to ask you a few questions."

"About what?" the man asked, cautiously.

"About Jessica," Amanda said bluntly. "What is the nature of your relationship with her?"

"Relationship?" he repeated. "I don't have any relationship with Jessica. She just serves me coffee. Why?"

"She was attacked. Where were you last night between 11pm and 5am?"

"At home, with my wife. You can ask her."

The detectives exchanged a look.

"Don't worry, Mr. Greene. We will." Amanda turned to leave and Carisi followed her out of the cafe.

* * *

On the following day, the team was gathered around the table in the media room, analyzing the timeline of the attack. Carisi joined them, announcing yet another dead end.

"Greene's alibi checked out," he said.

Amanda was paying attention to her laptop, in which she was going through the footage from the surveillance camera of the deli next to the building. The owner hadn't seen or heard anything out of the ordinary, but offered the images, and she was looking for any strangers coming into the building.

"Nothing on the other next-door neighbor yet?" Olivia asked.

"Nothing," Fin replied. "We talked to all the other neighbors and nobody seems to know what his name is. Apparently he just moved in a couple months ago. The lease is under a woman's name, some Jane Watkins."

"And did you find this woman?"

"There are about thirty Jane Watkinses living in Manhattan, none associated with this address. I tried to cross-reference their names with possible connections to Jessica, but didn't find anything yet.

"Ok, I'll ask her if the name rings a bell, " Olivia said, walking out of the room as she saw Jessica arriving at the squad room.

"Hey Jessica, how are you holding up?" she asked, leading the victim to the interview room once again.

"I'm fine," she replied in what Olivia identified as an automatic response. She used that one a lot herself.

"Where are you staying? With a friend, family member?"

"No, there's no one," she rushed to say, making an effort to look like what she was describing didn't bother her. "My parents are both dead and I'm a single child. I'm staying at a motel until you guys say it's ok for me to go home."

Olivia's heart sank as she thought about how she used to be all alone too before Noah. Jessica brought her back to the present moment.

"You said you needed to ask me more questions?"

"Yes, take a seat, please." Olivia sat across from Jessica this time, in order to analyze her every reaction to her questions. "First of all, does the name Jane Watkins mean anything to you?"

"No, should it?" Jessica asked, puzzled.

"I don't know, your next-door neighbor's apartment is rented under that name. Have you ever seen a woman around?"

"No, never, just the guy… I think he's from Mexico. Is he the one who attacked me?"

"We don't know yet, we're just trying to find more about him. He hasn't been seen in the building since the attack."

"Oh my God… What if it was him?" Tears started welling up in Jessica's eyes.

"If it was him, we'll find out," Olivia assured her. "Now, I need to ask you something else. Do you have a boyfriend?"

Jessica's eyes widened, and she hesitated, seeming to be looking for an appropriate answer.

"Jessica?"

"I…" she seemed anxious and avoided Olivia's stare.

"Who is he?" Olivia pushed.

Jessica sighed, looking ashamed. "His name's Daniel Walters. He's the owner of the cafe."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Olivia stared intently into Jessica's eyes.

"It's not relevant, is it?" Jessica stood up and started walking nervously around the room. "I know he's not the one who raped me."

"How do you know that?" Olivia asked softly, sitting still as she watched Jessica moving.

"He wouldn't," she rushed to reply. "I mean, I would know right? If it was him? Why would he ever do it? Why do you think it was him? Why aren't you looking for the real rapist?"

Olivia stood up and touched Jessica's shoulder.

"Calm down," she said soothingly. "I don't think it was him, I just need to know about all of the circumstances. Where do you normally meet?"

"My place," she replied as Olivia's touch seemed to help her calm down and stay put. "Always there, after closing the cafe."

"Why always at your apartment?"

The question seemed to rattle her again, and she restarted her walk around the room. "Because he's married, okay?" she finally replied, after a couple laps. "I didn't say anything because I knew you'd judge me."

 _Of course he's married,_ Olivia thought involuntarily, then made an effort not to focus on that.

"I'm not here to judge you," she said reassuringly. "I just need you to tell me everything. Was he coming to see you that night?"

"No," Jessica replied, cautiously. "He had a dinner thing… With his wife."

"Okay. And were you two having problems lately?"

"It wasn't him, I'm telling you!" Jessica raised her voice, walking faster until she finally gave up and sat back down again. A bit calmer, she replied to the original question. "We weren't having any problems. We loved each other."

Olivia sighed, analyzing the victim's body language; she sat with her arms closed, holding herself. She picked up on a familiar feeling as she recognized the pain hidden behind her words; it looked like she really wanted to believe what she was saying. Olivia sat down too, facing Jessica.

"There, you're judging me again," Jessica said, looking up at her. "Haven't you ever fallen in love with a married man, lieutenant?"

Olivia swallowed a lump in her throat as the image of Elliot invaded her mind. "That's what I thought," said Jessica with a half smile.

Leveraging on the fact that she could speak from experience, Olivia decided to try and identify with her. Well, she didn't need to try. "It's the worst thing," she said. "Knowing that no matter how great the time you spend together and how he makes you feel like the most special, protected and loved woman in the world, at the end of the day he always goes home to her."

Tears started rolling down Jessica's face almost instantly, and Olivia knew she'd gotten to her. Even though that had been her goal, it hurt her a little too when she saw Jessica's suffering.

"It's not like that," Jessica defended herself. "He was going to leave her."

Olivia chuckled. "They always are, but they never do. Next thing you know, he made a new baby with her."

"Stop it!" Jessica stood up, walking away and stopping by the window with her back turned to Olivia, muffling sobs.

Olivia felt guilty for what she had said, that reply was about herself. About Elliot. It wasn't fair to Jessica.

"Okay, Jessica," she changed her tone. "Like I said, we're not here to judge you, we're here to find out who did this to you, and we will, whoever it is."

"Are you going to talk to him?" Jessica turned around, frightened.

"We need to. I'm sorry."

"Because I can't lose him," Jessica held Olivia's arm with urgency. "He's all I have… I'm all alone without him!"

Olivia sighed, trying to swallow a lump in her throat. She couldn't help but see herself in Jessica, and even though she never did have an affair with Elliot, she had clung to him for twelve years in pretty much the same way as Jessica had clung to her married boyfriend. Both strategies rigged to fail. She wanted to tell Jessica how the story ended, but didn't have the heart to do so.

After Jessica left, Olivia walked into the squad room and gave Amanda and Carisi the information on the boyfriend, asking them to go interview him. As soon as they had left, the phone in Amanda's desk rang; Olivia was close to it, so she answered.

"Benson."

"Hi, Olivia." She felt such a chill when she identified Elliot's hesitant voice that she needed to sit down. "Didn't expect to get you."

"Why are you calling?" she asked, barely recomposed.

"I just wanted to warn you that the other next-door neighbor has just walked into his apartment."

* * *

With Amanda and Carisi busy looking for the boyfriend and Fin still busy with the search for Jane Watkins, Olivia decided to go to the apartment building herself. She didn't want to admit that maybe she wanted to see Elliot again.

Their first meeting after so many years had been disappointing in many ways. Olivia had for so long imagined what it would be like to see him again, to finally hear from him, find out what he had been up to and why he had made such an effort to run away from her, and yet, the way he resurfaced into her life was due to a case. If his neighbor hadn't been attacked, she might have never heard from him again. And after everything they had been through together, and after seven years pretending he didn't know her, all he had to say for himself was he was sorry he never called her back.

If she was being honest, Olivia wanted to actually confront him about all of that. Whatever she may have been telling herself about not caring anymore and being over it all, she still felt like she deserved to know why she had been so unceremoniously written off from his life without any warning or explanation.

She went into the apartment building, climbing the stairs to the third floor. She identified Jessica's apartment, with the crime scene seal on the door, and she knew Elliot's door was the one to the right, so she walked towards the door on the left side of Jessica's, until a whisper startled her.

"Olivia!"

She looked in the direction where the sound had come from and saw Elliot looking at her from a crack in his door. Puzzled, she approached him.

"What?" she asked.

"Come inside!" he rushed her.

"Why?"

Elliot emerged from the door and grabbed her arm, pulling with enough strength to make her join him into the apartment. He closed the door behind them.

"What the hell are you doing?" Olivia asked, immediately freeing her arm from his grip.

"I'm sorry," Elliot said, raising both hands defensively. "I just didn't want you to spook him. As soon as he saw your badge, he would have made a run for it."

Elliot shot a look at her badge, noticing it was no longer a detective's badge, something he hadn't noticed before. Was she wearing the badge in the interrogation room? He barely contained a proud smile, but she didn't seem to notice - she was trying unsuccessfully to contain some anger on her end.

"Oh he would've, wouldn't he?" she placed both hands on her hips, with an outraged smile. "How do you suggest I approach the suspect to interrogate him, _captain_?"

Elliot was hurt by her mocking about him not being police anymore. "I suggest you let _me_ do it, lieutenant," he shot back, with a nod towards the badge on her hip. "I can knock on his door as a concerned neighbor and ask if he knows anything about the crime scene between our apartments."

Olivia tilted her head to the side with a small smile, taking a step in Elliot's direction, looking angrier by the second.

"Let me get this straight," she said, looking at him. "So you retire, disappear off the face of the Earth and now, after seven years, you want to play detective like nothing happened?" For a second, she regretted her words, afraid to come off as holding a grudge, but the regret faded when she saw their impact in his expression - she was satisfied to see he looked upset.

"I thought it didn't matter anymore," Elliot replied, watching her smile fade. He sighed, closing the subject. "I just wanna help. I think the guy is an illegal immigrant and he might be scared if he sees you're police, that's all."

"Thanks for the offer," Olivia replied, now making an effort to assume a professional position again. "But now you're a civilian and I can't ask you to help me interview a suspect in an investigation."

Elliot cringed at the word "civilian", but that was what he was now, by choice. Still, he was determined to convince Olivia that he could help, even though he wasn't sure why he suddenly wanted to play detective, as she had put it.

"Who said anything about you asking me?" at the end of the question, he was already moving past her towards the door, his arm brushing hers lightly, and then he felt her pulling his arm.

"Wait a minute," Olivia said, halting him before he could protest. "I heard something."

Still holding his arm, she approached the door and looked through the peephole. "A woman has just arrived to see him," she announced as she heard the door opening and then closing again.


	5. Shots Fired

5 - SHOTS FIRED

"What's going on?" Elliot asked, motioning to Olivia that he also wanted to look through the peephole, but she ignored it.

"She went in," Olivia said, realizing she still had a grip on his arm and releasing it. "Blonde, in her thirties maybe, wearing a pink hoodie. You ever seen anybody like that paying him a visit?"

"No, I always saw him alone."

"Maybe he has a new girlfriend."

"Maybe we should wait a while before knocking there," Elliot suggested, walking away from the door and from Olivia. "We wouldn't want to interrupt… anything."

Olivia turned away from the door and faced him, squinting incredulously.

" _We_?"

Elliot put his hands in his pockets, taking a deep breath and puffing out his chest.

"Look, Liv, I know you have no reason to be nice to me, but I'm just trying to help with your case since it literally fell on my lap."

Olivia nodded, pursing her lips.

"Yes, because otherwise I would have never heard from you again, would I?"

His alpha male stance faltered for a second as her words stung, but he knew she was right.

"I said I was sorry…" he started.

"Don't," Olivia raised her hands in front of her to silence him. After a while, she spoke again. "I'd rather you stopped apologizing and actually told me why you simply deleted me from your life."

Elliot shook his head. "I didn't delete you," he said, his voice low and barely audible. If only she knew how much he had tried.

"Of course you did. After countless unanswered phone calls and messages, you just changed your number and moved from your house without leaving a trace behind. You weren't even man enough to say anything to my face."

"I wasn't _trying_ to shut you out…" he raised his voice, but she raised hers to interrupt him anyway.

"I wore your stupid medal around my neck for months to…" she paused, let out a wry chuckle, then continued, adding air quotes, "carry you with me." She watched his reaction as he swallowed hard and looked down. "Like you had died!"

"Well, almost," Elliot retorted, trying to be honest even though he knew she might not understand. "The job was killing me. After almost twenty years… I couldn't do it anymore. The shooting was just the last straw. I was done with SVU."

"Were you done with me?" she shot, raising her eyebrows.

Olivia noticed the almost imperceptible blink of his eye, an involuntary movement that he always made when something hit too close to home; the rest of his face and body completely under control and showing no emotion, just that quick, almost invisible movement of his eyelids.

It was her right to feel the way she did, but Elliot couldn't begin to explain how far off the mark she was. If it hadn't been for her, he might have quit much earlier. He had a really hard time figuring out a way to explain it to her, which had been part of the reason why he hadn't said anything to her at the time in the first place.

"I needed a clean break," he finally stated, in a low, stern tone that surprised Olivia. She had expected him to come up with some excuse, so his bluntness took her by surprise. She was also surprised at how much he could still hurt her after all this time.

"I couldn't talk to you," he continued. "I definitely couldn't see you. If I did, I wouldn't have been able to leave."

"Oh, come on!" she exclaimed, looking around in disbelief. "That's a load of crap. You could always talk to me about anything! I would have understood if you told me you needed to leave. I would have supported you. Like I always did, with everything."

Elliot took a few steps in her direction, impatient, but stopped as he was suddenly uncomfortable getting any closer.

"You're not hearing me," he said, staring her down. "I said _I_ wouldn't have been able to leave."

Olivia felt her stomach sink at the realization of what he meant. Still, she didn't feel like it was reason enough to act the way he had.

"So you needed a clean break, and to hell with how that affected me."

Elliot shook his head impatiently, his eyes looking supplicant. She had it all wrong. She couldn't see that a clean break was also the best thing for her. He had tried to protect her too.

"You can't pretend it would have been all right to just act like friends after I left, and do what, speak on the phone sometimes? Maybe have dinner once in a while, with Kathy and your boyfriend or husband, until we became those people who keep saying they should schedule something some time but never really get around to it?"

"I thought we _were_ friends." Olivia's voice was low, showing all her pain and disappointment.

"No, we weren't, and you know that" he replied dryly.

Olivia had barely registered his words when they heard the clear sound of a gunshot coming from the mystery neighbor's apartment. Exchanging a startled look, both rushed out into the hallway, Olivia pulling her gun and Elliot touching his hip in search for his out of habit, and feeling handicapped when he didn't find one. They approached slowly and Olivia pulled her radio.

"SVU portable to central," she said, barely louder than a whisper, indicating that shots had been fired in that address and requesting backup and an ambulance.

When Olivia was standing right next to the closed door, Elliot called her attention, signaling that he was going to kick the door in. With backup still a few minutes away, she figured it wasn't the best time to refuse his help, even if it hurt her pride, so she gave him a quick nod, and in the next second the door flung open. Olivia rushed into the apartment, pointing her gun, followed closely by him.

"NYPD," she announced. "I'm armed, show yourself and put your hands where I can see them."

Elliot came right behind her, approaching slowly, hoping to provide some backup. He looked around in search of some kind of weapon, and he was glad to find a baseball bat in a corner. A few steps ahead, Olivia noticed the woman she had just seen lying on the floor, with blood pooling around her, seeming to come from a wound in her chest.

"Check her pulse," she commanded to Elliot, and he obeyed while she moved towards the rest of the apartment, looking for the shooter. "Clear," she said after checking the bathroom, then moved towards the bedroom.

Right after confirming the woman had no pulse, Elliot heard Olivia grunting and the sound of a struggle. He ran to the bedroom with his baseball bat in time to see Olivia overpowering a man he identified as his neighbor and trying to take his gun. When the man saw Elliot, he pulled the trigger again only a second before Olivia was able to slap the gun away from his hand.

"Elliot!" she shouted, when she saw him falling with a hand to his arm and blood on his t-shirt.

When she had the man on the floor in handcuffs, she pulled her radio again to call for another ambulance. Uniformed officers came into the room then, and Olivia asked one of them to take the handcuffed man.

"You're under arrest for murder and attempted murder," she said, panting. "Read him his rights, please."

As the officer left with the shooter, she rushed to Elliot.

"Are you okay?" she asked anxiously, tugging at his t-shirt to try to assess the seriousness of the wound.

"The bullet just grazed me," he said, nodding to convey confidence, even though his arm hurt like hell. "I'm okay."

"The EMTs will be here any second," she said, placing a soothing hand on top of the wound in his arm. Elliot smiled at her touch, covering her hand with his, and she offered no resistance.

* * *

"No wonder you don't want anything to do with SVU," Olivia said, arriving to see Elliot in the emergency room with an enigmatic smile. "Just a day after running into us and there you are in a hospital bed."

Elliot smiled, glad that her mood seemed lighter. "I remember you warning me against playing detective, so I guess this one's on me."

Olivia stopped next to his bed, nodding with a smile. He was sitting against several pillows, shirtless, with his arm bandaged, and she couldn't help but let her eyes wander a little down his chest as she noticed he was still in pretty good shape.

"Thank you for the backup," she said, letting her smile fade as she looked into his eyes again. "I'm sorry you got hurt."

Elliot held her gaze for a few seconds, happy to see her finally unarmed around him.

"Well, I guess I owe you seven years worth of backup," he said, instantly regretting it as he saw her take a deep breath and thought the fight could start again. Her reply surprised him, though.

"You don't owe me anything, Elliot," she said softly, shaking her head with a sad smile, figuring that taking a bullet gave him some credit. "Anyway, I just wanted to check in on you and say thanks for your help with the case."

Her tone seemed final, but Elliot didn't want her to leave. "You like the shooter for the rape?" he hurried to ask.

Olivia tilted her head, indicating doubt. "The team is grilling him right now. He's in big trouble as it is, but so far we don't have anything tying him to the rape. His name is Jonathan Rodriguez, by the way."

"So I got shot over a dead end? Great," he smiled. "And who's the dead woman?"

"His ex-girlfriend from years ago, Jane Watkins. We're looking into her as well, but so far no connection to Jessica. Lots of dead ends on this one."

He nodded, and didn't find anything else to ask about the case. Olivia started to move away from him. "Anyway, I should go," she said under her breath, pressing her lips together.

As she started to hesitantly walk away, she realized she could no longer wait to ask him about what he had said earlier and which had been bothering her ever since. She stopped walking and turned around, wringing her hands and gathering courage.

"What did you mean earlier?" she finally said, softly. "About us not being friends."

Elliot let out a heavy sigh, surprised at the subject change and struggling to find the right words as he didn't want her to misunderstand.

"What we had…" he started, tentatively. "It wasn't something we could call friendship. It was miles away from what could be called a partnership. You know that. It just wasn't something we could continue outside of the job. "

He stared deeply into her eyes, and Olivia remembered all the times they had been accused of being too close, as well as all the times they realized that themselves.

"If we weren't friends, if we weren't even partners… What were we?" There was no hostility left in her voice, only the genuine yearning to know what he meant.

A crooked smile formed on his lips as he shook his head slowly. She saw pain in his expression and that made her more confused than ever. He, on the other hand, was trying to figure out the answer to her question; he had never really allowed himself to dwell too much into that line of thought. Surprisingly, though, the answer came to him without much effort.

"We were two people who loved each other and didn't know what the hell to do with that."

Olivia froze in place, and only her eyes moved as they switched focus between his own. His expression seemed to plead her to meet him halfway, but she was incapable of reacting in any way as she was still trying to decode the meaning of what he'd said. She couldn't quite believe she had heard him right and that he'd used the word _love_.

She hadn't yet been able to come up with a reply when a doctor came over with Elliot's discharge papers. She stared at him distractedly as the doctor gave him some instructions on how to take care of the wound at home. Their eyes met after the doctor left, but luckily, Olivia thought, the intervention seemed to wrap up their conversation for the time being.

"Give me a ride?" Elliot said after a long silence, trying to sound casual as he put his t-shirt back on with some difficulty. He tried to lighten the mood with a smile. "I came by bus, so..."

She ignored his joke because she was looking at the blood stain in his t-shirt. "Come on, I think there's an NYPD hoodie in the car that you can wear."

* * *

Silence rang loud in the car as Olivia was driving Elliot back to his apartment building. They were both repeating Elliot's words in their heads. Olivia had been so crushed by his statement that they weren't friends that she never realized he might be saying that because he recognized they had feelings for each other that surpassed friendship. Elliot, in turn, was surprised by his own admission to having feelings for her, something he hadn't even admitted to himself that openly before.

After the initial shock wore off, Olivia realized that he hadn't only admitted he had feelings for her, but he had also said they were reciprocal. _Two people who loved each other_ had been his exact words. She wasn't going to deny it to herself any more than she already had in the twelve years of their partnership and in the seven years getting used to no longer having him in her life. She knew she had been in love with him for the most part of all those years, even though she reminded herself pretty much on a daily basis of all the reasons why something between them would never work and should never happen.

Elliot knew the weight of the words he had dropped on Olivia, and he felt their effect on himself as well. _Love_ was a word he never allowed himself to use if not referring to his kids or his wife, but he had always known that the feelings between them couldn't be called anything else. Maybe the first time he had ever realized it was when he chose to save her instead of a little boy during a kidnapping case. On that same day, the situation happened again in reverse, and he hoped Olivia wouldn't make the same decision he had made, but she did. He knew then that the line had been crossed from both sides, but he didn't want to admit it and refused to do so then and long after.

The sudden piercing sound of a phone ringing brought them both back to reality. Olivia picked it up, and Elliot observed her expression as she seemed to receive some confusing news.

"Ok, thanks for the update, Amanda," she said, hanging up.

"What's up?" Elliot asked.

Olivia deliberated for a moment on whether she should share more details on the case with him, but remembering his bandaged arm, she figured he had earned the right to know.

"It turns out Rodriguez couldn't have raped my victim. Rollins went over all the surveillance we could find for that night and she saw that he left the building right after Jessica went in, and never came back until earlier today."

"So she pointed at him because she saw him, but he actually left right after that?"

"She told me he was arriving too, but he had come in hours earlier. She was probably confused. We're still waiting on DNA, but it should exclude him."

"What about the boyfriend?"

"My detectives were looking for him when the shooting went down. I called them back to the precinct to interview Rodriguez before they could talk to him."

"Why don't we go talk to him right now?" Elliot offered. "I actually don't feel like going home, now there are two crime scenes right next to my apartment."

Olivia grinned at his joke, and caved in as she couldn't find a reason to say no.

"I guess it wouldn't hurt to have some backup," she replied, looking ahead with a smile. "You never know when a suspect is going to start shooting."

Elliot smiled wholeheartedly and continued to watch her as she drove.


	6. The Other Women

_**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews, favorites and follows! It's great to hear your thoughts on the story, this is a hard one for me because it's my first fic for SVU and the first fic at all in many years, so hearing you're enjoying it so far makes me feel very supported to continue!**_

 _ **I apologize for the delay in updating, but I had a really hard time with this chapter. I wrote at least three versions of it with so much dialogue, and I re-read everything exhaustively because I really wanted Olivia and Elliot to sound in character. I hope this version is the right one!**_

* * *

6 - THE OTHER WOMEN

"Let's see if he's here, he wasn't yesterday or earlier today when Rollins and Carisi came looking for him," Olivia was mumbling to Elliot right before they walked into the cafe where Jessica worked.

"NYPD," she showed her badge to a waiter that greeted them at the entrance. "Lieutenant Benson, I'm looking for Daniel Walters. Is he here?"

"Yes, I'll get him for you," replied the waiter hurriedly.

A few moments later, a handsome, average-height man in his late forties came from a door behind the counter, walking towards them.

"Detectives?" the man said, approaching them.

"Lieutenant Benson," Olivia said and, to Elliot's surprise, this time she introduced him. "This is former detective Stabler, he's consulting on this case."

"Great, thank you so much for your effort to find who attached Jessica. We were all crushed when we heard."

Olivia saw Elliot watching the man's every move, with his hands behind his back, reminding her of his detective days like he hadn't spent a single day not being a cop. "Is there somewhere more private where we can talk?" she asked, eager to get right down to business.

The cafe owner directed them through the door he had just come from and led them to a small office. He took his seat behind one of two desks in the room and motioned to the two chairs across from it.

"We understand you and Jessica have a relationship," Olivia started as she sat down, with Elliot next to her.

"She helps me manage the cafe," Walters said stoically. "That's her desk right over there."

"We mean a personal one," Elliot shot back sharply.

Walters swallowed hard, he seemed to be trying to figure out what to say. Olivia just watched him, and Elliot stared him down with one eye squinting and one eyebrow up.

"I'm married…" Daniel started.

"We're aware of that too," Elliot cut him off.

"You see, I need to protect my wife and kids."

"I'm sure that's always been your main concern." Elliot smiled.

"Mr. Walters," Olivia cut in. "We just need some information to help with the case. We have no intention of involving anyone who isn't relevant to find Jessica's attacker."

"I appreciate that, lieutenant," Walters replied, looking away from Elliot's wry smile. "I never meant for this to happen. I love my wife."

"I'm sure you do," Olivia nodded, and it was her turn to sound skeptical.

"I know how it looks, mid-life crisis, a younger woman… But Jessica is just… We just understand each other. We work well together... I don't know what I'd do without her around here. I guess it just developed from that... I look at her and she knows what I'm thinking. You know? I loved my wife but… Jessica is my soulmate."

Walters' answer made Elliot's smile change into a pained frown. He couldn't help but identify with the man's description. He saw that the man meant what he said and he understood, because he had experienced something quite similar.

"Well that's convenient…" Olivia was saying. "A loving wife at home and your soulmate on the side. Best of both worlds."

"It's not like that," Walters defended himself, and Elliot felt her accusation as if it were meant for him. Maybe it was. "I know how it sounds, but I don't know how else to explain it."

"You work together every day, have lunch together every day…" Elliot started, as though he wanted to help Walters explain. "You have your favorite restaurants to go to together, you know how each other like their food, their coffee, you can tell what their mood is when you first lay eyes on them in the morning…" he looked at Olivia to see if the explanation was making sense to her, but she was intentionally focused on Walters.

"Exactly," Walters said, seeming astonished at Elliot's sudden change in demeanor. "One day I just realized I was closer to her than to my wife. It was like… it didn't even make sense to go home."

"So you went to _her_ home every night before actually going home," Olivia cut in, annoyed by the men's sudden partnership in crime and trying to bring the focus back to the case. "Did you go to Jessica's on Tuesday night?"

"No, I left the cafe early on Tuesday. We had a dinner with my wife's colleagues from work, then we went straight home." Walters paused, looking apprehensively at Olivia. "Are you gonna have to ask her?"

"You know I am," Olivia said, then made an effort to soften her tone, trying to keep in mind that none of this was personal. It was just a case, and this wasn't the first shitty cheating husband she interviewed and wasn't going to be the last. "We don't need to tell her why we're asking."

"Okay," Walters nodded, relieved. "Thanks, lieutenant."

"One more thing, Mr. Walters," Olivia asked, getting up. "Would you be willing to provide a DNA sample?"

"I didn't do anything," he rushed to reply.

"Then that's how you'll prove it," Elliot guaranteed, and the man across from him nodded.

* * *

Elliot had been observing Olivia's look of contempt towards Daniel Walters as he described his relationship with Jessica, and he could have sworn he picked up on some residual contempt towards him as well. They walked in silence to the car. When Elliot was opening the passenger door, he decided to ask a question to test the waters.

"Do you really think he could be our perp? DNA's just a formality, right?"

"We're asking for samples from everyone," Olivia clarified, getting in the car. "But I don't know, I don't believe a word he says."

Elliot took the seat next to her and watched her as she maneuvered the car to unpark it.

"Are you sure you're not letting your bias influence your opinion?" His eyes were trained on her face to pick up on the subtlest reaction.

Olivia stopped everything she was doing to face him, very serious, furrowing her brow. "And what bias is that?"

They stared at each other for a few seconds, and Elliot knew she was daring him to say it, but he didn't say anything. She looked away and went back to steering the wheel until she was able to drive the car back into traffic.

Walters' ambiguity talking about his wife shouldn't have annoyed her this much, but Olivia couldn't stop thinking about Jessica's desperation and how she was investing all her hopes into a relationship with a man who didn't have the balls to own up to his feelings and choose between two women. She knew a thing or two about investing in a relationship that was bound to fail.

Night was falling as Olivia drove to Elliot's place, and she thought about how letting him help with the case had been a mistake. She had fallen into the temptation of pretending nothing had ever changed and that they were partners again, but this case was hitting too close to home, and she couldn't let her unresolved feelings for him affect it any further.

When they arrived, both simply got off the car and walked into the building and up the stairs, without any discussion. They hadn't said a word to each other until then. When they stopped walking in the corridor outside his apartment, Olivia figured she should say something about the case, something impartial to answer the question he had asked back when they were getting in the car.

"I just think we can't rule anyone out at this point, we have absolutely no leads."

That seemed like a cue to take the conversation inside, so Elliot opened the door and made way for her to walk in.

"But it would make no sense for Walters to attack Jessica," he replied, standing with his arms crossed after closing the door. "Why would he want to hurt her?"

"Maybe she was tired of being the other woman, threatened to tell the wife."

"But why would he _rape_ her because of that?"

"Well, Elliot," she approached him, annoyed, crossing her arms as well. "For all the same reasons. Power, control…"

"But he loves her," Elliot interrupted, setting his jaw and taking a step towards her as well.

"Loves her?" she repeated, outraged, smiling with disbelief. "Don't tell me you bought that load of crap back there."

"Actually I did," he retorted challengingly.

Olivia laughed, turning to walk away from him, her arms still crossed. Then she turned to face him again.

"Well, my friend, you're rusty."

Elliot smiled, with a hint of anger in his eyes.

"You're determined not to believe him," he stated sternly while still smiling.

"Okay," Olivia bit her lower lip, looking down and tapping her foot on the floor. After a few seconds, she looked up at him again. "Why are _you_ so determined to believe him anyway? You, Mr. Goody-two-shoes, falling for the oldest excuse in the book? Oh, I love them both so I can't be bothered to choose?"

"I may not agree with his actions, but I understand the conflict," Elliot said slowly, trying not to take offense at what she had said about him.

"Oh, you do, don't you?" she challenged, with her hands on her hips. "Are you referring to that _love_ thing you mentioned earlier?"

Her mocking tone stung, and Elliot didn't answer, feeling rage building up inside of him.

"How hard it must be for the righteous married man to resist all the single women swarming around him," she teased him further.

Elliot pursed his lips, nodding and looking down, containing an urge to break something. and when he looked up again and spoke, his voice reeked of pent-up anger and frustration.

"Why don't you just quit that passive-aggressive bullshit and say what you're _really_ angry about?" he raised his voice towards the end of the sentence, piercing her eyes as he walked in her direction, stopping with his hands on his hips, standing way too close to her.

Olivia glared at him, rage glinting in her eyes, feeling her whole body tingle in response to his closeness, a reaction that contradicted everything that was going on in her mind. She took a deep breath and stepped back to get away from him and try to clear her mind.

"This isn't personal, Elliot," she said walking towards the window. "I just can't get Jessica out of my mind." She turned to face him again, putting the tips of her fingers together as she gestured, trying to explain. "This man… He's all she has. She's putting her whole life in this man's hands. When he can just…"

"He can leave her at any minute," Elliot completed, his expression softening and his eyes faltering.

Olivia let her arms drop to her sides and exhaled a breath she didn't know she was holding. They stared at each other for a moment. "If he's forced to choose, he'll choose his family," she said, barely louder than a whisper. "And she'll be left all alone again."

Elliot let out a heavy sigh, nodding. "That's how you see what I did, isn't it?" He waited for a reply, but all she did was continue to stare back at him. He knew her expression was answering yes to his question. "Well, it's not how I meant it."

"I'm _trying_ not to make this personal, Elliot," Olivia pleaded.

"You can't," he gave her a sad smile. "You never could. It's what makes you so good at this job."

Olivia looked down, and she heard him approaching her.

"I don't think he would _intentionally_ hurt her," he said, his voice low. "Neither would I."

That made her look up at him again, changing focus between his eyes.

"He's not the perp," she whispered.

"No, he's not." He took another step towards her. "But you can still hate him for her sake."

She smiled, looking down, then looked up at him again. "I could never hate _you_ , though. Trust me, I tried."

"I hated myself for your sake a few times," he smiled as well.

"Good to know," she whispered, her smile widening.

Elliot stretched his arm to surround her back and pulled Olivia firmly into an embrace. Her body tensed, but she didn't resist. He felt both her hands on his back, and she lay her head against his shoulder as her body slowly relaxed. He tightened his grip around her, and she felt his fingers digging into her back.

Between his arms, it was like nothing that had happened mattered anymore, and she believed his good intentions and his professed love for her. His embrace felt like it always had, contrary to everything her mind had to say about it: it felt like the safest place in the world.

As he clung to her for dear life, Elliot knew he had been living without a piece of himself; in order to let go of Olivia and the job, he'd had to let go of part of himself. The part of himself that couldn't look the other way if some injustice happened, the part that was dedicated to trying to make the world a safer place, the part that loved Olivia unconditionally. The part of himself that was willing to endure so much ugliness and heartache just to make the world a bit fairer and safer and to stay beside Olivia, day after day. Holding her, he felt like himself again.

Neither of them could tell how long they stayed like that, holding each other in silence, but Olivia eventually pulled away from him and left.

"I should go," was all she said, avoiding his eyes. He didn't respond in any way; he only stood there after he heard the door closing.

* * *

"You didn't have to bring me here, Lieutenant Benson," Jessica said, as she and Olivia walked into her apartment.

"Call me Olivia, please. I know you didn't need company, but I didn't want you to be alone."

Jessica stopped, putting her bag down and contemplating the mess that the crime scene unit had left in her apartment.

"The city will pay for any damage," Olivia mentioned, imagining what was going through Jessica's mind.

"Okay," Jessica said, distractedly, sitting down on the arm of the couch, looking around. Then she looked at Olivia. "Thank you."

"Do you need anything? Olivia whispered. "Maybe we can order some food for you?"

Jessica thought for a moment. "Good idea," she said, still distracted. "I'll do that."

Olivia sat across from her on the coffee table. "And how are you?"

"I'm fine," Jessica said automatically, but Olivia stared at her, waiting for the true answer. "You know, hanging in there. I want to go back to work, I think it will feel like life is back to normal."

Olivia nodded, taking the cue to bring up the subject she really wanted to talk about. "Yeah, about that. I talked to Daniel yesterday."

"Oh," Jessica's eyes widened. "What did he say?"

Olivia sighed. "Jessica, he seems to care about you… But he also doesn't seem like he's planning to leave his wife."

"How is that any of your concern?" Jessica stood up, defensively. "I thought you were investigating my rape, not my life. I don't need your advice."

"I know, I know," Olivia waved both hands in front of her. "I just wanted to tell you something about me. Please hear me out."

Jessica sighed, impatiently, but didn't oppose. She sat back down and stared at Olivia, waiting for her to continue.

"You asked me if I had ever been in love with a married man. I spent years of my life in love with a married man. He was my partner at work."

"Did you have an affair with him?" Jessica asked, hesitantly.

"No." Olivia smiled, shaking her head. "I don't know which is worse. Knowing that there's something there, but that he won't pursue it, because he's a good man, or having him act on it knowing he'll go home to her afterwards."

Jessica's eyes glinted with tears that started forming. Olivia thought she would protest, but she didn't. Olivia knew that she understood what she meant.

"What good does it do that he's there, but he's not really, entirely yours? How's that any less lonely?"

"Please, stop," Jessica pleaded, in a jaded whisper.

"I don't want to torture you," Olivia pleaded as well. "But I _really_ don't want you to torture yourself any longer."

Covering her face with both hands, Jessica set those tears free, and each sob was a dagger to Olivia's heart. But she had to get through to Jessica. "This isn't going anywhere," she whispered.

"I know," Jessica said between sobs.

"You deserve so much more than this. You have to believe that. You're not giving yourself a fair chance by betting on something that is bound to fail, that will only bring you heartache. Take a good look at how you've been treating yourself."

Jessica ressurfaced from her hands, taking a deep breath to calm her sobs. When she was a bit calmer, she wiped her tears with her sleeve.

"That's cheap psychology." Her retort sounded so unconvincing that Olivia was sure not even she believed it; it was just another automatic defense response.

"Don't be like me. Don't waste your life nurturing feelings for someone who won't ever be available to you."

Sadness was all Olivia saw in Jessica's eyes. She looked down, in a wordless admission that she had run out of defense ammunition.

"What happened with the guy?" she eventually asked.

Olivia smiled. "He retired from the job and I never saw him again."

A single tear rolled slowly down Jessica's face as she nodded, and Olivia knew that was the last piece of the girl's heart breaking, right in front of her. That's when she realized tears were rolling down her face as well.


	7. Fine

_**Remember when I said I had written a lot of dialogue? Well, get ready for a lot of dialogue. This chapter actually also contains the very dialogue that I first wrote as an initial idea for this fic and around which everything else developed. Thanks a lot for reading and let me know your thoughts!**_

* * *

7 - FINE

It was already late in the afternoon when Olivia left Jessica, after much insistence that she would be fine on her own. They had ended up ordering lunch and eating together, and then they'd started cleaning the mess in the apartment.

"Do you always get this close to victims?" Jessica had asked at one point.

Olivia had answered with a smile. "Maybe not _this_ close. I guess I see much of myself in you."

Jessica seemed to like Olivia's company, and seeing her cheer up made it that much harder for Olivia to have the heart to leave. Jessica, however, started insisting that Olivia must have somewhere else to be and that she would be fine, thanking her for all her help.

"If you need _anything_ , please call me, any time, day or night," Olivia insisted, coming out of the apartment.

"I will," Jessica promised, waving one last time and closing the door.

Olivia stood there for a moment, wondering if it was really okay to leave. She wasn't sure what had made her worry so much about Jessica; she had always cared about victims and tried to help them in any way she could, but even she knew that this was different. There was the fact that she did, indeed, deeply identify with Jessica, but that wasn't all. The more Olivia got to know her, the more she was able to see through all the layers of defense mechanisms, and there, so well hidden behind that wall of feigned independence and bravery, there was so much fragility and vulnerability.

She turned to leave, throwing a glance at Elliot's closed door, wondering if he was at home. They hadn't had any contact since their affectionate hug the night before. Olivia had wanted to call and ask him about his injury, but she had contained that impulse. She was still confused about everything involving his return and the feelings caused by it.

Everything had happened so fast. One day Elliot shows up at the precinct answering questions, the next he's with her interviewing a suspect like they've never been apart. And it hadn't taken long for them to get personal either. It was like they didn't know how not to be close to each other; it was either no contact at all for years or not being able to stay away.

And even though it had seemed like he wanted to make amends and she had felt like the past didn't matter anymore, Olivia knew there was a lot of unresolved resentment from both sides, and she wasn't sure that all could simply be forgotten. Besides, there was no way to tell if Elliot had any intention of not disappearing again, so all this wondering could be for nothing. She was trying really hard not to create any expectations.

When Olivia arrived at the squad room, she stopped by Carisi's desk, as he was the only one there. "Any updates?" she asked.

"Not much, lieu," the detective replied, pressing his lips together in frustration. "Rodriguez is officially excluded, DNA came back, but that's no surprise. TARU is trying to enhance the surveillance video from the deli to see if we missed something and we're also trying to get traffic cam images. I'm doing a background check on Daniel Walters, but so far, squeaky clean."

"Okay… Thanks, Carisi." She started walking away.

"Oh, and Mr. Stabler is here," Carisi rushed to say, stopping her in her tracks. "He's waiting in your office."

Of course he was, because now that he was back, he was everywhere she looked. She was annoyed and happy at the same time. "How long?"

"Maybe a half hour, forty minutes."

"Okay. Thank you." she said distractedly, moving again.

Olivia entered her office and immediately saw Elliot sitting on the couch with a disposable coffee cup in his hand, looking empty. There was another one sitting next to his leather jacket on the other end of couch. He saw her looking at it.

"Yours is probably cold," he said, not smiling, and Olivia could swear there was a hint of reproach in his voice, which she chose to ignore for the time being.

"Thanks for bringing it anyway," she said simply with a sheepish smile.

"Your detective said you had gone out to meet Jessica," he said as she hung her coat and her purse on the rack. "In the morning."

"Around noon," she corrected, sitting on the edge of her desk to face him. "I took her home from the motel where she had been staying."

"I think you did a little more than that in over four hours." He stared at her pointedly, his tone of reproach now more evident, reminding Olivia of the many times in the past when he had used it to warn her she was getting too close to a case.

"So, you wanted to talk to me about something?" she changed the subject unceremoniously, determined not to validate his veiled criticism.

Elliot sighed at her dodging his concern before he replied. "I actually wanted to check on you, you seemed really upset last night, and of course, overly concerned about Jessica."

He omitted that he'd had a restless night and morning, trying to figure out where they stood after that moment of closeness. It had felt for a while like everything was resolved and forgiven, but the way she had suddenly left told him that a lot still needed to be discussed if they were going to move forward in any way. If that was even a possibility, he thought, because he couldn't tell if she was interested in trying to find a new pace for them to interact with each other after everything that had happened. All he knew was that he didn't know how to walk away again after chance had brought them back together.

The way she was taking the case personally was another concern. He noticed it was striking a nerve deep down that she might not even be aware of herself, and he remembered how oblivious she used to be of her own connection to some cases back when they worked together. That worry was all he needed to convince himself to go see her, but if he was being really honest, what he was after was a sign from her that there was still something between them worth pursuing. He had left home not knowing how to get that, but he knew he needed to try and he couldn't postpone it.

"I'm fine, Elliot," Olivia rushed to establish, reminding herself of Jessica's automatic defense responses.

"I know you're fine, you're always fine," he retorted impatiently, standing up from the couch. He couldn't bear her evasiveness.

Olivia ignored him again. "How's your arm?" She directed a nod at the bandage visible under the short sleeve of his t-shirt.

"It's fine." He smiled, trying to give her a taste of her own medicine, but he saw that she wasn't affected by it. He hated how she was trying to put some distance between them again, like that day in the interrogation room.

"Of course," she also smiled, staring intently back at him, unwavering.

"Great talk!" Elliot said, his nostrils flaring.

She watched, amused, as he grew more annoyed by the second. She used to be the one to buckle and try to make things all right between them again when they argued, but she contemplated a newfound joy in watching him squirm.

"Well, I didn't come here to fight," he eventually said, looking down as he gave up on the staring contest.

Olivia rejoiced in her small victory, but she didn't go as far as to gloat about it. Actually, she was done playing games and going around in circles with him. "Thanks for your concern," she said softly, in a final tone. "But really, I'm fine."

"It's not like you would tell me if you weren't, though," Elliot said, still irritated. "And why would you? I disappeared, I don't have a right to know." He was determined to test her limit until she was no longer able to ignore him.

Olivia took a deep breath. "I thought you didn't want to fight. We talked about this last night. We even hugged it out."

"And it's all fine now," he completed sarcastically, with a huge, angry smile. Fine wasn't going to cut it any longer. He noticed a change in her demeanor.

"Elliot, what do you want me to say here? We can't change what happened, and we can't just go back to how it used to be. So much has happened. To me, and to you as well, I'm sure. We changed, everything changed."

"I know. And that's my fault," he admitted. He knew she hadn't forgiven him yet, he could feel it. Maybe she even wanted to, but didn't know how. Maybe they needed to dot all the i's and cross all the t's. It wouldn't be easy.

"We don't need to play the blame game anymore, El," she lied, and he saw through it. "What's done is done."

"Liv, I know you. You may have changed, but I still know you. When I held you last night… It felt like old times. It felt like you and me. It's still there."

"I know," Olivia whispered, looking away from him. She felt tears threatening to come out and focused all her attention in keeping them inside.

Elliot nodded. He knew that she agreed, but just because last night had felt good, it didn't mean that everything was okay.

"I know what I did when I left the way I did, so I was never planning on coming back," he started, trying to convey something coherent from the utter chaos in his mind. His assertion brought her attention back, and she stared intently at him as she listened. "You did just fine without me, and you always deserved so much better than me anyway. But this thing happened and we met again and... I'm really confused. I don't know how to act around you, but I want to try."

Olivia saw how much of an effort he was making to express his feelings, an unprecedented attempt from him that she really appreciated. But it wasn't that simple, and she wasn't going to go out of her way to try and make this more comfortable for him just because now he might be interested in coming back for good. She felt tempted to tell him about how she hadn't been as fine as it may seem, a chilling memory of William Lewis popping into her mind as an example, but she refrained from it.

"I'm confused too," she admitted. "It's really confusing. You see, I got used to this new reality in which you didn't exist, so now I don't know how to fit you in."

"I know what I did," he repeated. "I know because I also know how it feels to arrive at the squad room and not find your partner and then hear from someone else they're not coming back."

Even though he had originally meant to say that to illustrate that he knew what he had put her through, there was resentment in his voice, and Elliot himself was surprised by it. He had focused so much on whether Olivia would be willing to forgive him that he didn't notice he had a few bones to pick with her too.

His retort took Olivia by surprise. Elliot seemed to be making an effort to make amends, but at the same time he was bringing up old wounds – caused by _her_. Maybe his amends-making included sharing the blame.

"Why are you even bringing this up now?" she asked, frowning, standing up from the desk, seeing herself taking the bait, but unable to stop it. "Don't forget you sent me away by saying we couldn't be partners anymore."

"I said that because it was true." Communicating feelings wasn't Elliot's strong suit, but he had never felt such a compelling need to do it. He suddenly wanted to explain everything that had been left unsaid. "I was trying to convince myself I wouldn't choose you over the job again if another Gitano situation happened, and I needed your help to believe it. I didn't want to lose you as my partner. I didn't know if we knew how to be anything else."

"I think we've already established that you thought we didn't," Olivia said in a faint voice, full of resentment, linking back to his statement about how they couldn't be friends outside of the job. She had thought she'd gotten over it, but apparently she hadn't.

"But you didn't ask for a new partner because of what I said," Elliot pointed out. "You were scared of facing why you didn't pull the trigger that night, just as scared as I was."

"How many times do I have to say that there was never a doubt in my mind?" Olivia couldn't help raising her voice; she couldn't believe he was bringing this up again. "I would _never_ have pulled that trigger. What really scared me was what you said about it. I was scared you'd leave."

"So you decided to leave first?" Elliot challenged, surprised and hurt by her statement. His eyes pierced hers as he waited for a reply.

She cocked her head to the side, raising her eyebrows and avoiding his stare. "Well, maybe deep down I already knew that if you were the one to leave, you wouldn't come back." She looked at him while uttering that last word just in time to see the impact in his expression. She couldn't avoid a pang of guilt as he looked like he had been stabbed in the chest.

He moved his lips, helplessly attempting to find something to say. He couldn't. She had completely given up her indifference, and seeing her express all that resentment told him he was right to raise those issues. That didn't mean that her words didn't hurt; it was actually quite the opposite.

"Maybe you knew too," she continued, finding out she, too, had a lot of unsaid things that could no longer be held back. If he really wanted to hear about it, she would grant his wish. "Maybe you were actually relieved when I left and you could blame me for walking away. You played the partnership card like I was the one messing it up, what did you expect me to do? Maybe you wanted me to leave and take all those scary feelings away so that you wouldn't need to own up to anything."

"That's not fair," he finally managed to say. "Being away from you was the last thing I wanted and that's why I needed to play the partnership card. I knew it was already tainted, but there was nothing else I could claim you owed me. I was asking you to still be my partner. To pretend with me that we could still be partners."

Olivia let out a small laugh that stung on its way out even though she knew there was nothing funny about how much hearing that admission hurt. "Well, you weren't this eloquent back then," she commented with a hint of sadness.

"No, I wasn't. I was an idiot. And an asshole."

She nodded slowly, surprised by his _mea culpa_. Then she looked down and shook her head. "You know what? We can calculate all we want and change all the variables in all situations…" She looked up, making a noticeable physical effort to hold back those tears that still insisted in forming in her eyes and showing in her voice. "I don't think the result would have been any different."

His eyes looked away from her as he swallowed, unable to face her pained expression.

"And trust me," she smiled, nodding slowly. "I did all the possible calculations. I analyzed all the possible variables. Back then and certainly after you left. I reached the conclusion that nothing would have made any difference. You were always going to abandon me in the end."

"That's not fair," he repeated, his voice low, hardly audible. He looked up at her. "It was never planned. Something happened that forced me out of the job. I took the hint and left, but it was never about staying away from you. Unlike you, who formally asked for a new partner and then later on decided all of a sudden to go undercover for the FBI for something that had nothing to do with SVU."

"No, wait a minute," she protested. "I did _not_ plan on going undercover. Certainly not because of you!"

"Are you sure? You jumped at the chance. Nobody held a gun to your head!"

Olivia chuckled with incredulity, placing her hands on her hips and shaking her head. "What reason could I possibly have to premeditate an undercover job just to get away from you?"

"Well," he started, taking a step towards her. "The way things were escalating between us, don't you think something would have happened if you hadn't found an excuse to run away?"

Olivia was momentarily taken aback by the fact that he had voiced those arguments so bluntly, but soon surprise gave way to outrage as she realized he was blaming her all over again.

"Well, I guess the clock was ticking and I missed my chance then, huh?" She bit her lower lip, raising her chin in a provocative stance. "Because when I got back you had already filled the spot in your bed with your shiny new partner and oh, guess what, that didn't seem to be a problem for your partnership with her."

Those words felt like knives plunging into Elliot's chest. He hadn't even been sure Olivia knew about his moment with Dani Beck, and he certainly hadn't imagined it was such a sore point with her. Either way, she wasn't being fair in her comparison. He shook his head.

"That lasted for five minutes. I was all alone and she was there, it was easy. I wasn't afraid of the consequences. I had nothing left to lose, not even you. And you're right, I didn't think it was a problem for our partnership, because sleeping with Dani would never have made me choose her over a little boy's life."

Elliot stared intently into Olivia's eyes, and she felt the need to look away. She was suddenly at a loss for words. Hearing the name "Dani" sent a wave of pain through her, but Elliot's admission that she hadn't meant anything hurt even more. Those five minutes, as he had put it, had made her put miles of distance between them and build thick walls around her heart back then.

"Well, after I got back and she was gone, we were both still single," she reasoned, trying to remind him she wasn't the only one who had chosen to stay away. "If what you're claiming is true, then why didn't something happen _then_? Actually, if I remember correctly, that's about when Kathy got pregnant again, isn't it?"

"That was a mistake," he said in a low voice, looking offended and outraged, taking another step in her direction. "It was a moment of weakness."

"She was your wife! How could it be a mistake? It's Jessica and Walters all over again. Which is his obvious choice? Which was yours?"

"There's _nothing_ obvious about any of that, that's what I've been trying to tell you!" Elliot gestured, exasperated, taking more steps towards her until there was a mere foot of distance between them. He raised his hand, his finger pointed. "And don't compare me to Walters, I always did my best to do the right thing, for you and for her."

"Maybe that's exactly the problem, Elliot," Olivia responded to his aggressive closeness by plunging her body forward and her face upwards until she could feel the air coming out from his nostrils against her face as she switched focus between his eyes. "Maybe you weren't supposed to choose what was right for me or for her. Maybe you should have been more like Walters and put yourself first. Maybe if you had done what you _really_ wanted to do, you wouldn't have let either of us down."

He backed away a few inches as if he'd taken a blow to the jaw. "It wasn't that simple," he said. "I didn't know what I really wanted. Looking back, it's a lot easier, but back then I couldn't admit I had feelings for you. When Kathy left me, I felt guilty because I realized that I didn't want her back. I couldn't admit that I didn't want to put my family back together again because I was in love with someone else. I certainly couldn't allow myself to _act_ on it."

That answer left Olivia speechless. She stared at Elliot for what felt like a long time, trying to understand how well those explanations fit in the numerous gaps left empty in their relationship. Elliot's eyes softened as he sighed.

"I was a coward, Liv," he whispered. "I couldn't find a solution that felt right for everyone involved. Maybe I was more like Walters than we both think and I selfishly found a way to keep you both in my life."

"Until you had to choose," Olivia challenged in a whisper, propelling her face forward.

"Well, I chose wrong," he challenged back, responding in kind by approaching her face with his until their noses almost touched.

Before either of them realized what was happening, they had already closed the small distance between them as their lips met. It was just one kiss at first, forceful, eager, with eyes shut tight, but as Olivia felt Elliot's hands cupping her face and released her arms on their own recognizance to surround his torso, both pairs of lips slowly relaxed and released their grip on one another, parting to allow entrance to their tongues so they could finally meet after twenty years.

As Elliot deepened the kiss, Olivia let out a small, involuntary moan, that made him switch from softness to kissing her hungrily again, his lips forcing hers more open and his tongue demanding unlimited access. She sunk her fingers into his back, pulling him as close as possible until he was crushing her, and when he couldn't get any closer, her nails threatened to break the barriers of clothing and skin, triggering a groan motivated by pain and ultimately released by lust into her mouth.

At the same time that kissing each other was a novelty, a line they had always wanted to but never really allowed themselves to imagine they would cross, it also felt like it made everything make sense. It voided all discussions, healed all wounds, exempted them from all guilt and filled all gaps. Olivia and Elliot finally felt like they had found the answer to all of the difficult questions about their feelings for each other. And it was such a simple answer.


	8. Irresponsibility

8 - IRRESPONSIBILITY

The knocking and the sound of the door opening gradually brought Olivia back to reality, but it was Amanda's voice that really reminded her of where she was, making her break contact with Elliot and turn towards the door, still enveloped in his arms, stunned and lightheaded, absorbed as she had been in the illogical experience of kissing him. Amanda's frozen expression of utter shock and embarrassment when she spoke told Olivia that all of that was really happening.

"Liv, I'm… Sorry… It can wait," were the detective's words.

She was already walking out of the office and closing the door when Olivia stopped her, pulling away from Elliot completely and clearing her throat. "It's ok, Amanda, what is it?"

"We've... got something," she said hesitantly, walking back in and staring intently into Olivia's eyes as she tried to pretend that she wasn't seeing Elliot there.

He turned around from them and walked towards the window, next to Olivia's desk, running his hand over his chin then over his hair and looking outside. He was having a hard time wrapping his brain around the fact that he had just kissed her.

She, in turn, recovered her balance and was able to walk towards Amanda, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear and wondering if it was too messy. "That's good, we could use a new lead," she said. "What is it?"

Amanda immediately contained her shock and removed all emotion from her expression, for which Olivia was thankful. She wouldn't have been able to explain what had just happened to anyone, she could barely explain it to herself.

"TARU enhanced the surveillance video from the deli," Amanda was saying, and it took a few moments for Olivia to be able to tune into what she was saying and remember what it referred to. "There's a man that we hadn't seen before, he gets into the building about twenty minutes before Jessica arrives and leaves early in the morning, not long before she does."

Elliot heard Amanda, but he was too distracted to make sense of what she was saying. Something she said called his attention, though, making him turn away from the window and approach them.

"You said he got into the building _before_ Jessica arrived?" he asked, then exchanged a puzzled look with Olivia. Using their once usual wordless communication, they agreed that detail was important.

"We were assuming he had followed her," she replied, already in full business mode. She was glad she and Elliot had a reason not to focus on what had just happened for the time being.

"Come on, I'll show you," Amanda motioned towards the media room.

Elliot exchanged an inquisitive look with Olivia as though asking her if he should follow, and her quick nod was good enough permission. Rollins led them there, set up the big screen with the video and fast forwarded it to the point she wanted to display.

"Here," she pointed at the screen with her index finger. "A woman leaves the building and this almost invisible guy notices the door got left open and goes in."

In the video, a man in black clothes and a black hoodie covering his face who apparently had been standing in the shadows snuck into the building. It was easy to see why he had gone unnoticed before the image treatment; he was barely visible now.

"Then, several hours later, we see him leaving," Amanda showed another point of the video, her hand trembling with excitement. "And a while later, Jessica comes out to go to the hospital. I think this is our guy."

"Any idea who he is?" Olivia asked.

"None, but we're supposed to receive some traffic cam footage first thing in the morning. As soon as we get it, I'll check if he appears on it and if there's anything to help identify him."

"It was premeditated," Elliot suggested, staring at the screen with his arms crossed. "He got into the building to wait for Jessica."

"Not necessarily," Carisi said as he joined them. "Maybe he just seized the opportunity when he saw the door unlocked, then hid waiting for a potential victim and Jessica was the first person to show up".

"If that was the case, he could have attacked anyone in the street," Elliot disagreed. "Maybe even the woman he saw leaving the building. He could have pushed her in as she was coming out if he was looking for privacy.

"This might exclude our friend Daniel Walters," Olivia said, nodding at Elliot with that half-smile she always used to wear when she was about to crack a case. "Jessica said they always closed the cafe together. If they did so that night, he wouldn't have been able to stand around waiting for her to get home."

"It could still be him," Carisi retorted. "Maybe he left early with the excuse of his wife's dinner and had Jessica close up on her own that night. We'll need to confirm with her."

"About the dinner, does the wife confirm his alibi?" Elliot asked.

"We couldn't get ahold of her yet," Amanda replied. "We tried calling all day, she never picked up, guess we'll have to pay her a visit tomorrow. We're also still waiting for his DNA results."

"Okay," Olivia said, sighing. "It's not much yet, but it's better than what we had before, which was nothing."

"New lead?" Peter Stone walked into the media room.

"Not exactly," Olivia replied. "Just a guy in dark clothes going into the building, but we'll see. Fits the timeline."

"Peter Stone, ADA," Peter introduced himself politely, extending a hand to Elliot and looking a bit surprised to see him at the same time that he seemed to know exactly who he was.

Elliot remembered the tall, blond guy who had taken Olivia to lunch. He shook the man's hand, sizing him up. "Elliot Stabler," he replied, involuntarily straightening his back and puffing his chest out.

Peter didn't seem to notice as he quickly turned his focus to Olivia. "So, Liv, we need to talk about charging Rodriguez. I understand it's pretty straightforward?"

 _Liv_. Elliot hated hearing that man calling her by her nickname.

"Yes, practically caught in the act, plus the attempted murder on Elliot," Olivia replied, pointing at Elliot with a tilt of her head, her eyes lingering on him for a moment longer than they should. "I'll be right back," she said, more to him than to the others.

Peter and Olivia walked towards her office and Elliot observed how they seemed comfortable around each other, but he couldn't tell if there were any signs of further closeness. After they closed the door, Elliot focused on his surroundings again and exchanged a very awkward look with Amanda, who looked away instantly. She was unhooking her laptop from all connections in the room.

"I'll… Go work on this over there," she said, avoiding his eyes and leaving in a hurry, with Carisi on her heels.

"Okay…" Elliot mumbled back.

He didn't exactly know what to do with himself after being left alone in the media room. He walked out into the squad room hesitantly, with his hands in his pockets, and observed as Amanda and Carisi parked at her desk, which, he noted, was actually the one that used to be his. She sat down in her chair and he stood next to her with his arms crossed as they started to argue about something.

"I don't think he did it," the blonde detective was saying. "What could possibly be his motive to rape his mistress?"

"I don't know, maybe to show who's the boss?" the grey-haired detective offered. "Rape isn't about sex."

"I know that, Carisi, thank you very much," she replied wryly. "I don't know, he seemed like he really wanted to help when he came to give us the DNA sample. I just don't like him for this."

It was funny how they were having the same argument he'd had with Olivia the night before, and it was even funnier that the genders were switched; the guy was playing Olivia's role, while the girl was the one to believe Walters wouldn't hurt Jessica.

Elliot wondered if the two detectives had a close relationship like the one he and Olivia used to have. He knew well how nerve-wrecking this job could be and how important it was to have someone who would have your back not only for the physical, but also and maybe especially for the emotional pitfalls. A whole new wave of guilt washed over him at that thought as he realized he had left Olivia alone at SVU, with no one to watch her back.

"Elliot, you're here," Fin said, appearing by Elliot's side suddenly, bringing him back from his reverie. "I heard you got shot, man, how you doing?"

"Oh this?" he replied, forcing a smile. "It was just a scratch."

"Here to give your statement or something?" Fin probed.

"No, already did to a uniform at the hospital yesterday," Elliot smiled, not enjoying the interrogation one bit, but embarrassed that he didn't have any official reason for being there. "I'm just... helping out with the case."

"Oh, okay," Fin said, nodding and squinting as he seemed to analyze Elliot. After a moment of silence, he spoke again. "Look, man, I'm glad you're back and all, but if you're really back, I hope you're not planning on leaving again." There was no hostility in his voice, just concern. "She went through hell last time, took her a long time to get back on her feet. And she's been through a lot after that as well. I'm just saying."

Elliot's smile faded as he heard Fin's words, and he wasn't able to find a reply when his former colleague was done talking. Fin nodded with a half smile and patted his shoulder as a goodbye greeting, then walked away. Elliot just stood there, staring at the closed door of Olivia's office, remembering what had happened there only a few minutes earlier. He realized he was being irresponsible. "What the hell am I doing?" he said under his breath.

He knew he wanted to stay close to Olivia and he had been indulging himself thus far, but he hadn't given much thought about the future. There was so much history between them that it was easy to fall into old patterns, but she was right; they had changed, and everything had changed as well. He had come to see her today because he needed to know if there was a chance that they could be part of each other's lives again after all those changes, but he hadn't been prepared for things to escalate so quickly.

Thinking about Fin's words and considering the feelings they had just fought and kissed about, Elliot realized there were thousands of other ways he could hurt Olivia besides disappearing, and it was suddenly too much for him to handle. He had always so proudly done the right thing, but now he wasn't sure what the right thing to do was. After all he had put her through, he couldn't bear the thought of causing her any more pain. He gazed at her office's closed door again and figured she would soon come out. He guessed he'd better leave before that happened.

He needed time to process everything they had said to each other, as well as that kiss in the end; he couldn't count how many times in his life he had imagined doing that, just forgetting about everything, taking her in his arms and kissing her, but he certainly hadn't predicted he would have done it now. He figured leaving was the best alternative at the moment, she probably could use some time to think as well. Night was falling and it would be as good a time as any to clear their heads.

When he was already at the squad room's exit towards the corridor that led to the elevators, he saw a young woman walking in, hand in hand with a curly-haired little boy, looking about five years old. At the same time, Olivia opened her office's door and came out from it, and that's when the little boy screamed.

"Mommy!" he said, and ran towards her.

"He couldn't wait for you to come home," the young woman said, and Elliot figured she must be the nanny. "He said he wanted to come pick you up."

"Hey, Noah! Come here, sweet boy!" Olivia welcomed him into her arms with the biggest smile of pure joy. "All right then, I guess I'll have to call it a day and take this little man home."

Elliot couldn't help but smile too, realizing Olivia had become a mother like she had wanted for so long and watching how happy she looked holding her little boy. He saw Noah greeting Peter and the detectives, who came around to see him with big smiles, and he felt even more guilty for disrupting her life. She had clearly built a new, happy life that didn't include him and had plenty of people who cared about her and looked out for her. He let his smile fade again and, with his head down, he left.

* * *

It took a while to get Noah into bed that night. He was really excited about a trip to the aquarium with school the next day and wouldn't settle down. Olivia was agitated herself; the case was hitting dead end after dead end, and Elliot's reappearance in her life was just as inconclusive. After their heated argument and their not less heated kiss, he had just disappeared again. She couldn't blame him for being confused, though. Everything that had happened that afternoon was new for them, from getting all those grudges out in the open to the kiss.

During the whole course of their relationship, whenever something happened that made them resent each other, the unspoken rule was to let it go and act like nothing had happened the next day. Their fight today had been a compilation of several fights they should have had over the years. And still, as heated as it had gotten and as painful as it had been, the fact that it ended in a kiss was the ultimate confirmation that as damaged as their relationship was, there were still strong feelings there, and a whole new side to it that had never been explored. Olivia guessed that expressing their hard feelings had opened the door for them to express the other feelings they had also suppressed for so long.

The kiss itself had been so surreal that Olivia could barely believe it had really happened. For that brief moment, she hadn't had to pretend that she didn't love him, that she didn't want him or that she had gotten over him. She'd been able to simply let go of all control and express how she really felt. And she had been able to understand how he felt, too. Every move Elliot had made with his mouth or his hands had told her that he had wanted to do that for years. And yet, he had left right after that, and she didn't know what that meant.

Olivia lay in bed, frustrated, thinking about all the recent conversations and arguments they'd had. She remembered specifically about Elliot's justification for disappearing. He had said it wouldn't have made sense to act like friends and stay in touch, and maybe he was right. The kiss was helping her understand what he meant about a relationship outside of work not making sense, at least not while he was still married.

Their relationship and the job had been one in the same. Even though the job kept them from physically acting on their feelings, it was also what kept them together and able to act on them in every other manner. Without it, there was nothing that they could be, not even friends. On the job, it was just the two of them, nobody understood what they had to go through every day but them, there was no one else they would ever trust with their lives, they wouldn't trade each other for anybody else.

It was like the job was its own universe; in there, they were indeed a married couple, like everybody liked to describe it. And it was a happy marriage too, with its ups and downs like any other, but with love, respect and trust. Out in the real world, Elliot had another wife, a real one, and there was no place for Olivia in his life. And she, in turn, had focused so much on him ghosting her that she never really thought about how she might not want to be a part of his life outside the job, where she couldn't have him as her exclusive pair.

Olivia remembered how Kathy used to get jealous of her and their closeness, and figured she would never have let them have a close friendship outside of work anyway. And that's when it hit her: what if Walters' wife knew about Jessica? She even had a desk at the cafe's back office, the wife had to have at least met her once or twice when stopping by the cafe to see her husband, talked to her on the phone trying to reach him.

Wives always knew when something was up; if Kathy had picked up on something between her and Elliot even though there never was anything concrete happening, then Walters' wife ought to have noticed something about her husband's relationship with Jessica. Olivia wasn't sure that would actually be relevant for the case, seeing as there was no doubt the attacker was a man and she didn't know how else the wife might be involved, but even though it was a long shot, her gut told her there was something to it that might be worth pursuing. She made a mental note to go talk to the wife first thing in the morning.

* * *

Laura Walters seemed very surprised to see Olivia when she knocked on her brownstone's door the next morning right after dropping Noah off at school.

"NYPD? What's going on?" the woman asked, looking at Olivia's badge with a puzzled expression, as she seemed to be deciding whether or not to let her in.

"Your husband's name came up in an ongoing investigation," Olivia said, intentionally cryptic.

"What? My husband's not a criminal!" Olivia didn't quite buy her surprise. It sounded a bit over the top.

"I'm not saying he did anything, I just need to ask you a few questions," she played along. "Can I come in?"

The woman reluctantly stepped away from the door to allow Olivia the space to walk into the house. Olivia took in the traditional decor, and a crooked smile formed in her lips when she realized the house actually reminded her of Elliot's old house in Queens. Every detail screamed _happy traditional family_ , like it was necessary to prove it to the whoever walked in.

She walked past children's toys scattered around on her way to the living room, in which she noticed several photo frames with family pictures. In one of them, a quite younger version of the couple held a baby, which told her there was an older child besides the owner of the toys, possibly in its late teens or early twenties. Olivia wanted to laugh out loud at yet another coincidence: the Walters couple had even had a new baby after a big gap, like the Stablers.

"Please have a seat," Mrs. Walters motioned towards the couch, then sat in an armchair across from Olivia, looking uneasy. "So how can I help?"

Olivia took a deep breath and focused on the task at hand. "Well, first of all, can you account for the whereabouts of your husband on Tuesday night?"

"Yes, I can. He was with me. We went out to dinner with some friends. I can give you their names and phone numbers if you need to confirm."

"That would be great, thanks."

Laura hurriedly stood up and walked a few steps to the telephone table, where she ripped a page from a notepad. Then she got her cell phone and, in a couple of minutes, she had written down a few names and phone numbers, which she handed to Olivia.

"Thanks a lot," Olivia nodded, smiling with pressed lips.

"You're welcome. Is that all?" The woman looked like she couldn't get rid of Olivia fast enough.

"Ah, yeah, just one more thing," Olivia replied distractedly, then changed her tone. "Jessica Smithson," she said drily, watching for the woman's reaction. She noticed an almost imperceptible cringe on her face, like she hated hearing that name.

"What about her?" the woman replied in a hurry as well, as if that would help get the subject over with sooner.

"Can you tell me what her relationship with your family is?"

"Relationship?" the woman replied, seeming disgusted at the word Olivia had carefully chosen. The woman made a visible effort to control her emotions. "She works at my husband's cafe. She's great help over there, I met her a few times. But that's the extent of her _relationship_ with us."

"Did you ever suspect anything might be going on between her and your husband?"

"That's ridiculous!" the woman exclaimed unconvincingly. "Why, do you think my husband raped her?"

Olivia grimaced, noticing how the woman had gone from utter surprise when she first mentioned her husband's involvement in a crime to almost suggesting he might be the perp.

They were interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. The woman recomposed herself and asked Olivia to excuse her for a moment. Olivia waited for her, but got up and followed her when she recognized the visitor's voice.

"Mrs. Walters?" she heard Elliot say.

"Son of a bitch," Olivia said under her breath right before he saw her from the doorstep.

She noticed he was wearing a dark blue shirt and a black suit jacket, but no tie, and jeans instead of suit pants. He had also shaved. It was a merger between plain clothes and his former detective attire, and it brought an involuntary smile to her face on top of the annoyance she was feeling. She cursed herself for getting distracted by thoughts about how good he looked. Mrs. Walters noticed they knew each other and seemed confused.

"What's going on? Is this man also from the police?" she looked at Olivia inquisitively.

"Mrs. Walters, thank you so much for your time," Olivia said, approaching the door. "I'll be in touch."

Elliot watched as she came out of the brownstone, angrily brushing past him without a word. He followed her quick steps until they were far enough from the house to be out of earshot; that's when she halted and turned to face him, forcing him to stop walking so as not to crash into her.

"Okay, so first you wanted to help me with the case, and now you just decided to investigate it on your own?" she said with an annoyed smile.

Elliot smiled back. He didn't want to argue; he hadn't imagined that he would find Olivia there so early in the morning, if at all. He'd figured one of her detectives would just confirm the alibi.

"I just…" he started. "I had a hunch about the wife… And clearly so did you."

Olivia let out a heavy breath, switching focus between his eyes and giving up on the argument she had been about to start. "She knows something," she said, simply, nodding her head and raising one eyebrow. "When I mentioned Jessica's name, she asked me if I suspected her husband of raping her."

Elliot frowned, then shrugged. "She figured that's why you came to talk to her?"

"Yeah, except that I never mentioned the word rape."


	9. Needs

_**A/N: Sorry about the delay, I hope this update is worth the wait. Let me know!**_

* * *

9 - NEEDS

When Carisi arrived at the squad room in the morning, he was surprised to see Amanda already there, focused on her computer screen, sitting very still in her chair as if any movement could ruin all her work.

"Good morning, early bird," he said, calling her attention, a bit sorry to disturb her concentration. "What time did you get here?"

"Mornin'," she replied with an excited smile. "I just wanted to get a headstart on the traffic cam footage, and it paid off."

"Really? What do you got?" he hurriedly took his suit jacket off and rolled up his shirtsleeves as he moved right next to her.

"You remember our mystery man in black?" Amanda barely waited for him to get close enough. "Well, we'd only seen him go in then come out of the building, right?"

"Matching the timeline, but no sign of who he was." He leaned on her desk with one hand and approached the screen to get a better look. "Can you see his face in the new footage?"

"No, but we've got him getting into a car and driving away," she moved the video's progress bar to that specific point in the footage.

"Can you make out the license plate?" Carisi asked, getting closer and squinting his eyes.

"Just a 4 and a T, the rest is too fuzzy," she paused the video and zoomed in on the license plate, but it was indeed difficult to recognize the letters and numbers. "TARU's working on it."

"Well, that's great! Finally something concrete on this guy. We should tell the lieutenant." He took his phone out from his pocket. "She texted me earlier saying she would interview the wife herself."

"Oh, right," Amanda said distractedly as the mention of Olivia reminded her of what she had witnessed the night before.

Carisi frowned. "What was that?"

"What was what?" Amanda stood up and tried to escape towards the break room.

"That face. You know something?"

"What is there to know?" She couldn't help smiling, knowing how unconvincing she sounded. She poured some coffee for herself, avoiding his stare, but she knew he wouldn't give up.

"Does it have to do with Stabler?" She hesitated, trying to decide if she should say anything. "I'll take that as a yes. Come on, Amanda, tell me."

"Okay, but please keep your mouth shut, all right?" she stared intently into his eyes, raising her eyebrows.

"Of course, I'm not going to tell anyone." He couldn't help smiling at her attempt to sound threatening.

"Good. Well… Yesterday I walked in on them…" she paused, hesitant, her last chance to give up spilling it, but his look of anticipation was so amusing that she revelled on it and craved for his reaction to the news. This was Carisi, what bad could it do to tell him? "Kissing," she finally whispered.

His mouth dropped open, making her smile. "Shut up!" she said, laughing and lightly punching his arm.

"I didn't say anything!" he defended himself. "I knew there was something between them."

"I don't know," she shook her head. "It looked like it was a first kiss."

"No way…" he considered it for a minute. "Twelve years as partners? Can you imagine carrying a torch for someone you work with for so long?"

"Can't you?" Amanda teased. "I mean, four years isn't twelve, but… "

"W-what are you…" he stuttered, "...talking about?"

Now he was the one sounding unconvincing, and Amanda enjoyed every millisecond of the mixture of shock, embarrassment and panic in his features. Her phone beeped, and Carisi was thankful for the interruption. Her expression changed from a mocking smile into a triumphant one.

"We got it," she said, almost running back to her desk. When Carisi reached her, she was already on the computer running the license plate.

"Oh my God, look who's the owner," she pointed at the screen. They stared at each other for a moment, astonished. "I'll be damned."

* * *

"So, what have you been up to in these last seven years?" Olivia asked Elliot a few minutes after the waitress had left with their orders written down on her pad.

It was at the same time hard and easy being around each other. It wasn't like they hadn't spent thousands of mornings like that, sharing a meal while out in the field together; the problem was that they hadn't shared a meal with each other in too many years. While they had walked to a diner they always used to go to in the area without even discussing it and just as wordlessly picked their old booth, in a corner in the back, they also couldn't avoid the awkward silence as each tried to calculate the safest way to cross that seven-year gap. What do you talk about with the person you know best in the world, but whose life you no longer know anything about?

There was also the elephant in the room – the kiss. Olivia knew it would come up sooner or later, but she decided that it wasn't the best topic to end an awkward silence with, or start breakfast conversation with for that matter. She figured they had to start somewhere, and as pathetic as it may sound, there was no other way to ask about what he had been up to but to ask what he had been up to; they had already spent enough time discussing their past together. Elliot was relieved that she had initiated the conversation, but he had some trouble dealing with the ball once it was in his court.

"Well..." he hedged. He didn't know exactly where to start and how much information to disclose. He tried to balance how much of it was relevant to share with her now and how much of it he himself wanted to revisit, his only certainty being that he had to tell her what had happened to his marriage. "For the first three years or so I tried to focus on my family. Kathy and I moved, as you know. We moved to Jersey."

"Wow, Jersey," She rested her chin in her hand and looked away as if she was ashamed for him.

"Yeah, I know," he replied, smiling, indeed a bit embarrassed. "It was her idea…"

"Of course," Olivia chuckled, amused that he wanted her to know the idea hadn't been his.

"She said we needed a fresh start and it seemed to be in sync with everything else changing in my life, so I figured it was the best thing to do. We got a nice big house there, with bedrooms for all the kids, even though Eli was the only one still living with us at that point."

Olivia welcomed the old, familiar pain of hearing him talk about his marriage and it was just like before: she felt like a good friend for listening at the same time that she resented herself for doing so. He went on.

"It turns out that moving didn't help at all. I went through a rough patch after the shooting and my retirement, it took me a long time to adjust to not being a cop anymore… To leaving SVU. You know, when you work the long hours we did, you think that all you want is to have time for yourself again, but having all that time in my hands made me crazy."

Elliot left out the part about having a hard time adjusting to being away from Olivia, as well as the part about Kathy catching him mumbling her name in his sleep quite a few times. Olivia, in turn, was a bit surprised to hear that. Her resentment had made her believe he had been okay and even relieved after he left.

"All of that caused a lot of problems," he continued vaguely, "so at one point we tried counseling."

"Counseling? I never thought I'd hear that, Elliot Stabler in couples therapy!" Olivia regretted her mocking tone right after she said that, but he didn't seem to mind.

"Well, obviously it didn't work," he grinned, lifting his left, ringless hand to illustrate, then rested it on the table next to where Olivia's hand was, causing it to twitch slightly. "Only helped us realize it was over, had been for a long time."

"I'm sorry." Olivia's tone was softer, almost concerned, tempted to take his hand in hers, but refraining from it.

"Well… The truth is we never should have gotten back together. We did it for Eli… But it was never the same. When you've been married to someone for that long, you can never see them as not being family, but that's not the same thing as still being in love."

Olivia was surprised by that admission. She had suspected he felt that way at the time, but she had always thought he and Kathy must have figured it all out after his retirement. Meanwhile, his left and her right hand remained on the table right next to each other, frozen, and she wondered if he was as tempted to take her hand as she was to touch his.

"So you moved out?" she asked, keeping her hand completely still.

"Yeah, and we got divorced."

He emphasized the word _divorced_ and stared deeply into Olivia's eyes then, which made her think that maybe he wanted to make it clear that he was available – without actually saying that because, as much as he might have worked on expressing his feelings (had that happened during couples therapy?), he was still Elliot Stabler and wouldn't come out with the truth or his intentions right off the bat. She decided not to dwell into it, though.

"And you've been living in your bachelor pad ever since." She smiled.

Elliot laughed a little. "It's not like that. It was hard in the beginning, you know? I had nothing. No family, no job, no…" He bit back a _you_ that had been ready to follow, replacing it with something more appropriate. "... friends."

"That's when the cabin in the woods comes into the picture?"

"Yeah, pretty much… Started as a getaway place, I would take Eli there, sometimes my other kids when they weren't too busy. But I started enjoying spending time alone, I have a garden there…"

"And you chop wood." Her smile widened as she nodded at his formerly suspicious scratched arm. "You have hobbies."

"Old man stuff. I'm an old man now, Liv," he laughed.

And then Olivia felt it; his hand had timidly approached hers enough for their fingers to brush against each other, and after that first, electric contact, he went ahead and actually took her hand in his. She immediately felt protected and warm, as if his hand and his overall presence brought some sort of reassurance, some insight into a bigger, higher truth or purpose. She tried not to focus too much on that and simply returned the gentle squeeze he'd given her fingers as she circled them around his, and both turned their heads to watch their hands connecting.

Elliot started slowly tracing patterns around her knuckles with his thumb, experimenting with this newfound intimacy that, although not being encouraged, was no longer being restrained, not by any sense of prohibition or the concrete distance that had separated them for years. It felt so natural that it scared him, and he realized that was probably why he had always refrained so much from having any physical contact with her during their partnership years – maybe he knew that if that door was ever opened, nothing would be able to close it.

He had been just about ready to walk out of her life all over again the night before, and yet there he was, holding her hand and not being able to imagine ever being away from her again. He knew he wasn't very good at dealing with feelings, but he figured that even an expert wouldn't be able to untangle the confusion he felt right now.

Olivia was pressing her lips together, still looking at their hands, when she felt Elliot's eyes on her again, watching her every move. After a long pause, she spoke, changing the subject and not shying away from what she wanted to know while making an effort not to sound resentful.

"Why did you leave last night?" She looked up and stared deeply into his eyes.

He hesitated, looking for the right words. Then he sighed again, and finally spoke. "Look, I realized I was being a jerk all over again by coming back, invading your life, your space... You did well without me. Made lieutenant, commanding officer of the unit, you became a mother… I don't want to get in the way of any of that. I want you to be happy."

Olivia scoffed, then smiled, noticing her reaction confused him. "You can't help yourself, can you? Always deciding what's best for me without even asking me."

"Liv…" he started to protest, but Olivia waved her available hand dismissively and squeezed his with her other one so as to let him know it wasn't an accusation.

"I probably shouldn't be, but I'm glad to see something that hasn't changed about you," she said softly.

Their breakfast arrived then, and both welcomed the pause in conversation. They were forced to unwillingly break contact, and Olivia felt as if her body had instantly dropped a few degrees in temperature.

"So tell me about Noah," Elliot said with a soft smile after a few moments of eating in silence.

Olivia smiled wholeheartedly, all her teeth showing, and forced him to widen his smile as well. "You saw him at the station, didn't you?" she asked. "Before your little disappearing act."

"I did," Elliot chuckled. "He's a beautiful boy."

"He is, isn't he?" Olivia looked out the window, sighing, her eyes filled with love as she talked about her son. "He's my whole world. He's so smart, and so sweet. And a fighter too, he went through a lot. I adopted him as a baby, I actually found him during a case."

Elliot gave her a few moments to decide if she was going to say more about the case, but he noticed she didn't seem to want to get into that at the moment.

"Did it make the job more difficult?" He was thinking about the times he had told her she didn't understand something because she wasn't a mother. She remembered the same thing.

"Oh yeah," she nodded vehemently, smiling. "But also made it that much more important."

Elliot nodded, looking down. She was right. She usually was. And she was a better person than he was; she always had been, but being a mother made her an even better person, if that was even possible. Of course that would be her answer. He felt a whole new layer of admiration for her washing over him.

"I'm really happy for you, I know how much you wanted this," he said after a while, bringing her attention back from wherever she had been staring at out the window. "I'm sorry I wasn't there."

She closed her eyes for a moment, pressing her lips together. She was sorry about that too. She could have used his support throughout everything that had happened. But she had made it on her own, and that had been important, too.

"Maybe we needed this time apart," she considered. "You know… a lot happened to me. I didn't do as fine as it may seem. But I grew. I grew so much during this time away from you. I had to. I used to feel like I needed you for everything. At work, emotionally… Even to protect me, as much as I've always said I didn't need you to do that." She paused, smiling with pursed lips. "But after everything that happened in these seven years, everything I survived on my own… I found out that I didn't need you. That I didn't need anyone. That's the thing about being alone… You can't count on anyone, but you also don't _depend_ on anyone. Being away from you reminded me of that."

A few moments of silence followed, and it was Elliot's turn to look out the window. He had never realized how much Olivia actually needed him; she had always acted like she didn't need anybody, and he had been stupid enough to buy it. The way his departure had forced her to realize she could indeed stand on her own wasn't that different from his realization, after his retirement and his divorce, that he could be alone and not be defined by his family, his job, or Olivia, but he couldn't help but feel sorry about what she'd had to go through without him.

What she may not have known was that he had a completely different perspective on his influence in her life. He faced her again and tried to explain it.

"I hate that you had to go through all that because of me, but I thought you'd be better off. You know, I always had this thought in the back of my head about how you would be happier if I disappeared from your life."

Olivia frowned. "How come?"

"To an extent I always knew I held you back," he started, hesitantly. He didn't want it to come out wrong. "I knew that you had issues opening up to people, and I knew that being so close to me wasn't helping with that at all. I always thought that being close to me kept you away from other people and that I was selfish for knowing that and still keeping you like that for myself."

He paused, watching her eyes flicker as she processed the information. He had imagined that she hadn't thought about it that way. He continued. "That's part of why I didn't stay in touch. It's like what you said about Jessica, I didn't want to keep you invested in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere, that wasn't even going to be the same. Even being right there next to you, I wasn't. Not in the way you deserved."

"Maybe not, but maybe it was convenient for me to just keep things the way they were," she admitted, maybe for the first time. He seemed puzzled now. "Well, being in love with someone unavailable was the perfect excuse to never let anyone get closer, wasn't it? I wouldn't fall for anyone else and you wouldn't be with me either. Nothing could be safer than that. Or why did you think I kept trying to save your marriage harder than you did?"

"I never thought about it like that." He grinned sadly, then bit his lower lip as he watched her closely. "And did you? I mean… Fall for someone else... After I left?"

"I let people get closer," she replied after a while, analyzing her most recent relationships as she went along. "Maybe not close enough, but much closer than ever before."

Elliot let it slide that she didn't answer his question directly, partly glad since at the same time he did and didn't want to know. She seemed to be balancing whether to reveal more.

"I really wanted to give it a shot, and I did, a few times..." she went on. "A shot at having a real relationship, that could turn into a family. And I got to experience happy relationships."

"But?" he stared at her expectantly.

She grinned, biting her lower lip, amused that he knew there was a _but_ even before she did. "But those relationships taught me that I didn't need a happy relationship to be happy. I was trying to fill a void, find what I thought was missing in my life, but it wasn't those relationships. I realized that it wasn't about having a close relationship or forming a family, it was about finding someone you want to have those things with. And, to be honest, I never found that. Not in those relationships."

Elliot nodded, then looked down, moving what was left of his eggs around with his fork and trying to decide if it was okay to be glad she had never found someone she wanted a family with. When she continued, he looked up into her eyes again.

"For a long time, maybe because I didn't exactly have a family growing up, and maybe because I had the perfect happy American family right next to me every day…" Olivia smiled, hoping he would take that as a joke, which he seemed to do as he smiled lightly. "I thought this is what I needed, what I wanted. But looking at the most serious relationships I had, I couldn't see myself having a family with them. I tried to see it… Especially with Brian… But I just couldn't."

"Whoa, whoa, wait a minute," Elliot interrupted her urgently, dropping his fork noisily. "Brian? Not…"

"Cassidy, yes," she nodded, shutting her eyes tightly, regretting letting Brian's name slip but also amused by Elliot's reaction. He wasn't even trying to conceal his jealousy. "It's a really long story, but we even moved in together at one point."

"Wow…" he muttered, his voice weak, a bit louder than a whisper. "Son of a bitch…"

Olivia laughed. "Yeah, well. I knew the first time that he wasn't the one for me, as I remember telling you, but we tried a second time around and it was good for a while, you know? A long time had passed, we were both very different."

"But you were right the first time." He needed that confirmation.

"Yeah. But he's a good man. He tried his very best. They all did, and so did I. It just wasn't meant to be. Plus I got to have my family after all, and it's the happiest I've ever been."

Elliot smiled, and they both nodded. Then he looked away, trying to suppress the image of Cassidy and Olivia living together, the son of a bitch with his hands all over her, sharing a bed with her. But what right did he have to question any relationship Olivia might have had when he wasn't even around?

"Well, you could see the pathetic bastard with stupid stars in his eyes whenever he saw you," he let out, looking away, more to himself than to her, then looked at her again. "Not just him. Everyone was in love with you, I mean, everyone. If you knew how many guys offered me money for your phone number..."

"Wow, I never realized you were making money off my emotional unavailability."

"I wasn't. I told every single one of them to shove it." He paused as he saw her smile at that, then he became serious. "I thought about reaching out after I got divorced. I really did, more times than I can count." She didn't speak, but her eyes were asking why. "I figured you would have moved on, and you did. You were just saying you realized you don't need me."

"I don't." She was dead serious as well. "But needing someone isn't the only reason to have them in your life, is it?"

Reality interrupted them abruptly with a text message ring from Olivia's phone. She hesitantly checked it, and then her expression changed to complete confusion.

"What's wrong?" Elliot asked.

"The mystery man in the surveillance tape has a car," she said, leaving her mouth open.

"That's good news, right? Or is it another dead end?"

"Not quite," she replied, standing up and reaching for her wallet in her purse to leave some money on the table. "It belongs to Daniel Walters."


	10. Admission

10 - ADMISSION

"So, Mr. Walters, it's nice to see you again," Olivia said, with sarcasm cleverly hidden behind her cordial tone, entering the interrogation room with a file in her hand and Elliot right behind her.

"Lieutenant, I'm glad you showed up," Daniel Walters replied, all anxiety. "The detectives wouldn't tell me what this is about. I told you everything I know."

Olivia and Elliot exchanged a brief look. He continued to approach the table as she stayed behind, standing on the same spot she had parked at after entering the room, arms crossed, a no-nonsense attitude across her features.

"Okay, Daniel, look," Elliot sat down across from Walters, staring at him and speaking quietly. "I want to give you a chance here. Unlike my partner, I believe you. What you said about your feelings for Jessica and also your need to protect your family. I get it."

"Yes…" Walters agreed cautiously, his eyes wandering between Olivia and Elliot as though he were deciding if he could trust either of them. "Do you need anything else? I told you, I didn't see Jessica that night. Did you talk to my wife?"

"Oh yeah, we did," Olivia said with a smile, no longer hiding her hostility. "And I must tell you... It didn't help with my doubts about you."

"What do you mean? She said I was with her, didn't she?" He looked genuinely confused, exasperation dripping from his voice and literally from his head as he started to sweat visibly.

"She did, and she had the names and phone numbers of the other people in this dinner party you mention practically ready to hand to me, as if she was expecting it, but at the same time, she was really surprised by the whole thing. It all sounded a bit phony to be honest. Oh, and my detectives called these other people… They confirm the story verbatim, almost sounding rehearsed. You see, all of this makes for a rather shaky alibi."

"Hey, Liv, wait a minute," Elliot turned around in his chair to where she was standing, speaking in a defensive tone, raising the palm of his hand. "It's not every day the police knocks on someone's door asking about their husband's involvement in a crime. Of course she sounded weird, but she also confirmed the alibi and gave you a handful of other people who did so too." He turned to Walters again. "Right? If somebody showed up at my wife's door saying I'm a suspect in a crime…"

As Elliot trailed off, Olivia slowly approached and sat down next to him, eyes trained on Walters' face, cataloguing the smallest movement. Right now, he was clearly analyzing her and Elliot, and she saw that he didn't miss the fact that she sat down very close to Elliot, arms brushing lightly, neither of them flinching, maybe even welcoming the contact.

"You're married, detective?" he asked, and Olivia suppressed a knowing smile. "I thought you two…" Walters motioned towards them.

"Yeah, well… Can't blame you," Elliot said matter-of-factly, leaning back on his chair and exchanging another look with Olivia. "You know… Lieutenant Benson is my Jessica."

"Was," Olivia corrected drily, her eyes fixed on Walters, her arms crossed, not moving an inch except for her mouth when she spoke.

"Regardless…" Elliot waved his hand at her, still looking at Walters. "So believe me when I say that I do understand you. I know that you didn't do this."

"I don't," Olivia noted.

"I think you made that pretty clear," Elliot reprimanded, staring at her for a moment with an annoyed expression. "Will you let me talk to the guy?"

She simply waved her hands in surrender and stood up again, walking away from them and leaving her file behind on the table.

"Wow, they're good together," Amanda thought out loud on the other side of the two-way mirror.

"Yeah," Fin confirmed. "There's a reason people still talk about them, and it's _not_ the reason you think," he looked from her to Carisi while saying the last part.

"Thank you," Elliot turned to Walters again, widening his eyes to show his impatience. When he spoke again, he lowered his voice as if he didn't want Olivia to hear. "I know it wasn't you. But you gotta help me here."

"Tell me what I can do," Walters pleaded. "Why does she think it was me?"

"Well," Elliot gestured hesitantly, pondering. "Your wife did sound a bit rattled… I mean… I do think she was just nervous but… She also seemed suspicious about you and Jessica, the affair and all."

"What? No way… She would have…"

"Said something?" Elliot scoffed. "Forget it. You know what my wife did when she found out about Olivia? She kept her mouth shut until she had everything she needed to divorce me, take my kids away and leave me penniless. You won't believe the crap she pulled, I'm talking private investigator shit. She had photos, videos…"

Walters seemed to be going through it in his mind, wondering if there was any evidence his wife knew and what she might be doing about it. Elliot continued.

"But the worst was what she did to Olivia. She stalked her, tried to destroy her reputation, her career. See, she sent the stuff her PI gave her to Internal Affairs, they put us through hell for a while for getting involved, but Olivia had it worse than me, you know, the sexist pigs from IAB. The point is… As much as your wife might hate you… She hates Jessica more. Do you think she could have done something to hurt her?"

Walters seemed confused. "How…? She sure as hell didn't _rape_ Jessica."

"No, she didn't," Olivia said from her corner of the room, where she stood with her arms crossed.

"But she could have put somebody up to it," Elliot offered, not turning around completely to look at her, then turning to Walters again.

"Where did all that come from?" Walters seemed to be getting impatient. "From you thinking my wife sounded weird?"

"No, Daniel." Olivia finally approached the table again, took the file, opened it and tossed it in front of him. "It came from your car being seen leaving Jessica's street early in the morning, right before she leaves in shambles to go to the hospital. To me, you were there. And your wife is covering for you."

Inside the file, there was a still image of the car, moving away, the license plate readable after the image enhancement. Walters stared at it, looking astonished.

"Is that your car or not?" Olivia raised her voice.

As Walters remained silent, Elliot stood up and walked slowly around the table to stand beside him. "Come on, Daniel, I'm trying to throw you a bone here," he said, raising his voice a little towards the end of the sentence and leaning to speak on his level, near his ear.

"I've got nothing to say," was Walters' only answer. He sat back and crossed his arms.

"See, El? He's a scumbag. We got him, so he has nothing to say, no more sad stories about his conflicting feelings. He's not trying to get your sympathy _now_ , is he?"

"Damn it, Walters!" Elliot yelled, pounding the table hard once, making both the picture and the man jump to the side. Then he leaned on the table with both hands, still leveling with Walters' head. "I thought you were like me. A good man, trying to do the right thing. A family man, a father."

Walters raised his eyes for the first time since seeing the picture. Elliot took note of the fact that he did so when he heard the word _father_.

Olivia scoffed. "Look at you, kindred spirits. The men of the year," she said, approaching the table from the opposite side then leaning on it so she and Elliot were each on one side of Walters. "Last chance, Walters. We've got everything we need to charge you; the car puts you at the scene, matching the timeline of the rape, and your DNA results will be back any minute. Don't think that the weak alibi from your less than reliable wife will hold up in court, because it won't."

"Just tell us what your car is doing there, man," Elliot said in Walter's ear, almost a whisper. "There's got to be an explanation."

Walters looked down again, his body tensing up, clearly feeling caged by Olivia and Elliot's proximity on both sides. Olivia saw that his eyes were watering.

"I was there," he said, still looking down. "I did it. Okay? I raped Jessica. So arrest me, charge me. Do whatever you want. I want to call my lawyer and my wife."

Elliot and Olivia exchanged another look, both standing straight again, across from each other. She had a crooked smile on when she looked at Daniel Walters again, and she spoke in a low voice, a question, but she wasn't really asking it.

"Where's your love for her now?"

* * *

"So he did it?" Amanda asked when the team met up at the squad room after Walters' interrogation.

"I don't think so," Olivia said, sighing. "He wanted to cooperate, but when he saw the car, he shut down."

"He got caught and couldn't keep the act," Carisi reasoned. "He was taken by surprise."

"He was, but not for the reason you think," Elliot spoke, leaning on the empty desk across from Carisi's with his arms crossed, looking away distractedly, his mind at work. "He had no idea the car was there. He was shocked, that's why he shut down."

"But then he confessed," Fin said. "Why would he do that?"

"To protect someone," Olivia stated simply. "Now the question is who."

"What else do we know about the car?" Elliot asked.

"Not much, just make, model, year," Amanda said, retrieving the information in her laptop.

"And there's no record of it ever being stolen, right?" He exchanged a look with Olivia, who seemed to understand what he was getting at.

"Nothing," Amanda was producing quick, anxious clicks with her mouse in search for something useful. "All we know is it was bought a year ago by Walters, and that it's not the only vehicle registered in his name. He actually just bought a brand new sedan, and there's also a van registered to the cafe."

"Why would he buy two cars in the space of a year?" Olivia asked rhetorically with a smile, approaching Elliot, their shared suspicion growing like a fire.

"What age are his kids?" he suggested, throwing another log into it. He had directed his question at Amanda, but Carisi was the one who answered.

"Matthew Walters, nineteen years old, and Joan Walters, three."

"Wow, huge gap," Amanda commented. "Same mother?"

Carisi checked and confirmed with a nod.

"It's more common than you think," Olivia commented casually, throwing a quick, mocking smile at Elliot before leaning next to him on the same empty desk. "Make-up child."

Amanda nodded, noticing there was a personal reference there but choosing to completely ignore it.

"You're thinking the car belongs to his kid?" Fin asked, picking up on their frequency.

"That could make sense," Carisi agreed, then his phone rang, and he picked it up.

"Couple just got back together recently, new baby, then a mistress comes along to mess it all up," Olivia described. "Kid takes his mother's side, decides to take matters into his own hands."

"Or his mother puts him up to it." Elliot didn't seem like he wanted to believe that Walters' boy could be guilty – or at least not completely to blame.

"Maybe," Olivia agreed to humor him.

"I guess it's time to have a chat with Matthew Walters," Amanda said, already standing up.

"You got that right," Carisi said, hanging up his phone with a smile. "That was the lab, we got a familial match from Walters' DNA."

Olivia looked at Elliot; the boy was indeed the perp. "Do you have an address for Matthew?" she asked, but Amanda was already checking.

"Dorm room at Hudson University," she was already putting on her jacket, and so was Carisi.

"Go pick him up," Olivia commanded, and the detectives couldn't leave fast enough.

"What about Daniel Walters?" Fin asked.

"He stays put so he can't tip his son off. Hold off on his phone calls too, in case his wife's in on it."

"The more we find out, the less I understand this case," Fin complained, walking away in the break room's direction.

Olivia and Elliot were left alone, and she saw that he was miles away as he stared off into the distance with his arms crossed. She couldn't help but see Daniel Walters; Elliot had the same sad, resigned eyes as the suspect after seeing that license plate. Similar to her identification with Jessica, she knew he had identified (in positive and negative ways) with Walters; one of those similarities was definitely fatherhood, and she knew he, like Walters, would do anything for his kids, including confess to a crime he didn't commit.

"I'll call Peter and ask for a court order to get his DNA," she said softly.

"Okay," Elliot replied distractedly, clearing his throat.

Olivia touched his elbow lightly, finally bringing his full attention to her.

"You don't have to stay for this," she said.

He straightened up, setting his jaw and throwing his chin up like a soldier preparing to go to war. As though reading her mind, he rolled his sleeves up, revealing the marine tattoos on his arms, more faded now than they used to be but still prominent against the fair skin.

"I want to," he said.

* * *

"We know it was you," Carisi said calmly. "Your car was at the scene, your DNA under the victim's fingernails. We have a familial match from your dad, but we both know yours will be an exact match. So, if I were you, I wouldn't waste my breath trying to deny it."

The truth was that the scruffy-looking nineteen-year-old wasn't wasting his breath at all. He sat peacefully with his arms crossed, staring at Carisi with a calm expression, looking almost bored while Amanda stayed back, leaning against the wall with her hands behind her back.

Olivia had decided to send them in to interrogate Matthew Walters first and watch with Elliot from her office, but it didn't seem like he was going to give the detectives much. Many boys in their late teens looked older, but that was definitely not Matthew's case; if anything, he looked younger. He didn't exactly look like he could be capable of hurting anyone, but he had a cold look in his eyes that didn't seem to match his features. She could tell from Elliot's expression that he was trying to wrap his head around that too.

"Okay, at least you're not lying to me," Carisi grinned. He opened the file he had in front of him on and displayed its contents on the table for the suspect: the traffic cam image of the car, the DNA results from Daniel Walters and a picture of Jessica's injuries that had been taken at the hospital. "Why don't we move on? I'd like to understand what makes a nineteen-year-old boy like you rape his father's mistress like that. A boy studying at Hudson, with his whole life ahead of him."

While Matthew seemed like he couldn't care less about Carisi mentioning his future, Olivia noticed that Elliot cringed.

"Are you all right?" she asked softly. "I know this is hitting close to home."

He shrugged, still focused on the boy on the other side of the glass. "I'm just… Just wondering what I would do if that was Dickie in there."

"Don't torture yourself like that." Olivia put her hand on his shoulder and lowered her voice. "That's not Dickie and you'll never have to find out what you would do in that situation."

He smiled. "I had forgotten what it felt like."

"What what felt like?"

"Cracking the case but wishing I hadn't." He looked at her. "How do you still do it?"

"For Jessica. For the victims." She sighed, letting her hand fall along his back then resting it on her hip. She looked at Matthew Walters. "I hate that this kid is the perp, but I'm glad she'll get justice."

Elliot looked at her and thought that Jessica was lucky to have Olivia fending for her. He also remembered how personal the case was for her as well, how she saw herself in Jessica, how she saw herself in all victims. "And how about you, are you all right?"

She cocked her head, still looking through the glass. "As all right as one can be watching this." She paused, then turned to look at him. "I'm also glad you're here."

Elliot was taken by surprise; his eyes widened and his eyebrows rose before he turned his whole body to face her. He thought back to their talk in the morning, when she had said she didn't need him, but suggested that maybe she wanted him in her life.

"I can be here…" he said. "For as long as you want. Maybe not here, here." he motioned to the interrogation room, then faced her again and took a step closer. "But here, for you."

She nodded, smiling. "I'd like that."

Elliot smiled as well, touching her jaw lightly with the back of his hand. Then he slowly approached her, looking from her eyes to her lips and back. She closed her eyes, and waited for the moment when his lips touched hers, very lightly, just a quick, close-mouthed kiss. Then she pulled away.

"Who cares why he did it?" Amanda was saying from her corner, bringing both Olivia and Elliot's attention back. "He and his whole life can rot in jail for all I care."

"I care," Elliot said. "I need to know why. This doesn't make sense to me, he's just a kid."

"I know. How about we take a crack at him?" Olivia suggested, knocking three times on the glass.

"All right, Carisi," Amanda said, propping herself up from the wall she'd been leaning against and walking away. "Like you said, we have everything we need."

Carisi gathered the photos and papers from the table and stood up to follow Amanda out of the interrogation room. The boy didn't show any signs that he had noticed any change.


	11. Like father, like son

_**A/N: We're approaching the end of this story, maybe just one or two more chapters after this one, and it's been really challenging to wrap everything up; hopefully, it will be worthwhile. As usual, I'd love to hear what you think! Thanks a lot for reading!**_

* * *

11 - LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON

"All right, Matthew, we have a pretty good idea of what happened," Olivia said, standing up across from where the kid was sitting. Elliot stayed behind, near the door, with his arms crossed. It had been a good fifteen minutes since they had started interrogating the kid, with Olivia asking the questions while Elliot watched, and they had yet to find out what the boy's voice sounded like. She had asked about the car, his whereabouts on the night of the rape and several other questions without him giving any indication that he was even hearing her.

"You found out your dad was having an affair and you got mad," Olivia continued, taking a step closer, and she noticed a slight movement as Matthew seemed to tense up. Maybe he was prepared to ignore questions, but not to hear the story told to him. "You couldn't just watch it happening."

She walked around Mathew until she was standing behind him. She looked at Elliot, whose eyes were focused on the boy, and he exchanged a brief look with her to indicate he had noticed the small reaction.

"You wanted to get back at them," she continued, approaching Matthew's chair from behind and noticing that he moved his body as further away from her in his chair as possible, seeming bothered by her closeness. "You wanted to avenge your mother."

"Leave her out of this," Matthew said, still looking down, his voice very low.

Olivia looked at Elliot, a half-smile at her success in getting something out from the suspect. Elliot took a step in the table's direction.

"Why?" he asked, exploring the imposing, stern tone of his voice.

Matthew looked up at him, but didn't reply.

"Leave her out of this because she has nothing to do with it or because this was all for her, because you were trying to protect her, avenge her?" Olivia asked, resuming her walk around the table.

Matthew looked down again and didn't speak or move.

"They were finally happy again, they even had a new baby," Olivia continued, now standing next to him, and she saw that his eyes moved slightly in her direction. She started walking again, feeling his eyes moving along with her, and stopped when she was standing on her initial position again, in front of him. "Your mother didn't deserve to be treated that way. At home, taking care of your sister, while he was screwing around."

Elliot watched Matthew carefully. He was now staring at Olivia with a hint of anger in his dead, expressionless eyes. His reactions showed she was moving in the right direction, but Elliot sensed that wasn't all; it wasn't only about avenging his mother or getting back at his father, there was something more personal there as well.

"And that little slut, how dare she come between them?" Olivia said, with an outraged smile.

"She's not a slut," Matthew said between clenched teeth, looking up at her, his eyes now completely taken by anger.

Olivia and Elliot exchanged a look. There it was.

"Oh," she exclaimed, showing her surprise. "You liked her. But she didn't want anything to do with you."

Matthew looked away. Elliot took another step in his direction. "She dismissed you," he said. "She didn't want anything to do with a boy, she wanted a man, the real deal. She turned you down for your dad. She thought you weren't man enough."

"So you decided to show her just how much of a man you could be," Olivia took a step closer too. "By being a coward, tying her up and forcing yourself on her."

"It didn't have to be like that," Matthew said under his breath, looking away and shaking his head.

"If only she had done the right thing and chosen you instead of your father," Olivia whispered.

Matthew looked at her for a moment, as if he were deciding if she really meant that. "He takes everything," he said tentatively.

"So you took her from him," Elliot put his hands on the table, staring deep into the boy's eyes, which avoided his. He continued to stare, trying really hard to understand this boy. "Were you in love with her?" he whispered.

Matthew finally looked back at Elliot, and he could swear that, for a minute, he saw tears starting to form in the boy's eyes.

Olivia approached, took the picture of Jessica's wounds from the open folder on the table and tossed it closer to Matthew. "Did you enjoy yourself? She sure didn't. The men in your family have a funny way of showing love."

Matthew turned his head to look away from the picture and pushed it back towards the file.

"What the hell happened to you?" Elliot asked, his eyes squinting, that sad expression back on his face. "What made you this way?" Matthew sat back and looked away from Elliot, seeming to shut down again. "Did she make you do it? Your mom? Help me understand, Matthew."

Elliot was pleading, but Olivia didn't think that he was getting through to the boy, she didn't know if anybody would be able to. He was back to his initial demeanor, calm, distant, expressionless, as if he had flipped a switch and no longer had any contact with the outside world. That's when Olivia heard two urgent-sounding knocks on the two-way mirror from the hallway, but neither Elliot or Matthew moved an inch. She approached Elliot; he was looking at that boy like he was his own child.

"Come on," she said, touching his arm lightly. "Let's give him some time to think."

Elliot hesitated at first, then he grabbed Jessica's picture and silently followed Olivia out into the hallway.

"What?" Olivia asked when she saw Amanda.

"The mom is here," she replied.

Olivia turned to Elliot and smiled. "Look at that, a family reunion."

* * *

"I want to see my son," Laura Walters said, standing up from her seat at the table as soon as Olivia and Elliot walked into the interview room.

"First we need to have a little chat," Elliot said, anger dripping from his voice. He and Olivia approached the table, and Laura seemed intimidated.

"I don't have to say anything to you without my lawyer," she defended herself. "And neither does my son."

"He was read his rights, Mrs. Walters," Olivia said camly. "He didn't ask for a lawyer. Actually, he didn't say much."

"As for you, you're not under arrest," Elliot clarified. "But it's in your best interest to help us understand why your nineteen-year-old son has brutally attacked Jessica Smithson since he won't speak for himself."

"My son would never do something like that," Laura said automatically, but she didn't seem that sure.

"Why don't you just have a seat?" Olivia said softly, but firmly.

Without a word, Laura Walters sat down. Olivia exchanged a brief look with Elliot and sat down as well, across from her. He didn't move from where he was standing.

"There is no doubt that he did it," Olivia stated simply. "We have his car at the scene and a familial match from his father's DNA. His own DNA is at the lab right now and we have no doubt it will be a match to the DNA found under Jessica's fingernails."

Laura swallowed hard. "Maybe they had sex and that slut is now crying rape so my husband doesn't find out she cheated on him."

Elliot slammed the picture of Jessica in the hospital on the table, making Laura Walters jump in her seat. "Does this look consensual to you?" he said, clenching his teeth but keeping his voice down.

Laura didn't answer. She looked away from the picture.

"You lied to me, by the way" Olivia said, making Laura look at her again. "You knew about the affair."

"Of course I knew," Laura's eyes were full of hatred and resentment. "I knew what that slut was the first time I laid eyes on her."

Elliot leaned on the table, approaching his face from Laura Walters', who flinched slightly. "Did you put him up to it? Did you tell your son to hurt Jessica?"

Laura looked away. "I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't know my son was involved with her too, but well, like father like son, right?"

"If you knew about the affair, why didn't you confront your husband?" Olivia asked, leaning forward with her fingers interlocked. "You'd just had his baby girl and he was chasing tail. How could you just go on like nothing was happening?"

"You don't know what you're talking about," Laura retorted, glancing at Olivia's hands. "I can see you're not married."

"You're right," Olivia smiled and exchanged a brief look with Elliot. "I've never been married, but trust me, I've been doing this job a long time and I've seen more than you can imagine. Everything should have been fine, but he had to go and screw it all up again, didn't he? And with his employee who's more than a decade younger than you, no less. You felt humiliated."

"Of course I felt humiliated," she agreed hesitantly. "I gave up everything in my life for this marriage."

"And your son knew how you felt. The pain, the humiliation, the betrayal. No son would bear to see his mother hurt like that."

"What are you getting at, lieutenant Benson?"

"He's your only son, Laura," Olivia smiled. "I know, I have a boy too. He'll do anything to defend you. He wouldn't let anybody get away with hurting you. You're his queen. Especially if his crappy father lets you down, he'll be the one to step up and defend you. He'll do anything in his power to end your suffering and make whoever hurt you pay."

Laura looked down. "He wouldn't do _this_." Olivia wondered if she was trying to convince herself.

"How come he wouldn't?" Elliot asked. "You drag him into this and expect him not to take your side?"

"His sad excuse for a father dragged him into this," Laura raised her voice and her head to look at Elliot, outraged. "He saw them together and confronted him. I heard them fighting, that's how I found out."

"Wow." Olivia shook her head with an outraged smile. "That can't have been be easy for him. He's just a kid. For him to have to take sides like that. He took your side obviously."

"Of course he did, did you expect him to side with his cheating father? I raised my son better than that."

"I know, Laura." Olivia's smile widened. "I know you did."

"Did you ask him to hurt Jessica?" Elliot raised his voice, he was growing impatient. "Did you make your son throw his life away to avenge your pride?"

Laura flinched again at Elliot's aggressiveness, and Olivia saw that brand new tears glistened from her eyes.

"I… I'm not sure," she blurted out.

"Not sure?" Elliot yelled. "It's a simple yes or no question. Did you or did you not ask him to attack your husband's mistress?"

"I didn't _ask_ him!" she protested.

"But you said something," Olivia stated firmly. "Or a lot of things."

"He saw that I was hurting, he saw how hard I was trying to keep our family together," Laura started sobbing between her words.

"You made sure he knew," Elliot probed. "You made sure he knew Jessica was the one to blame for all your problems. You made sure he knew she was the only thing keeping you from being happy with your husband again."

"You're blaming me?" Laura said indignantly among tears. "I'm not the one who had an affair!"

"And Jessica wasn't to blame for _your husband's_ actions," Olivia added.

"She knew he was married," Laura retorted.

"So did he," Olivia grinned. "But who got hurt? Certainly not him."

"She could have ignored his advances..." Laura said, her confidence crumbling.

"Do you really believe that?" Olivia whispered, squinting at the woman. "Do you really believe it's that simple?"

Laura didn't reply. She looked away, wiping tears from her eyes.

"Your son did," Elliot said. "He punished Jessica for your suffering and now he's the one who's gonna pay. He'll be in prison for a long time."

Laura cried some more, but quickly recomposed herself and stood up. "I demand to see my son. Neither he or I will answer any more questions without our attorney present."

"Yeah," Elliot scoffed. "A little too late to protect him now, but have it your way."

* * *

Night had fallen a while earlier, but Elliot had barely noticed that it was already dark outside. They had been alone in Olivia's office for a few minutes after Carisi had taken Matthew Walters to arraignment and his parents had left, together. He couldn't stop thinking about that boy and what would happen to him because of those two idiots whose only job was to protect him.

When Olivia hung up the phone, the day was officially over. She had been updating Peter Stone on the case so he could prepare for Matthew's bail hearing, and during the conversation she had been watching Elliot leaning against the wall with a lost stare, seeing how affected he was after that day's developments, the latest of which had been the official confirmation of the DNA match. Maybe he really wasn't cut out for this job anymore. She stood up from behind her desk and approached him.

"How are you holding up?" she asked softly, touching his arm.

That seemed to remove him from his trance. He looked down at her, swallowing, blinking slowly. There was something so comforting and familiar in the way she was looking back at him, her concern for his well being on top of a stone wall of confidence and stability, and with that light-feathered touch on his arm, how all of that security started to bleed into him and bring him back from the sadness that had been coloring his every thought. He had been so spoiled, so used to it, and now that she was doing it again, he realized how much he had missed it, her overall effect on him and his life, the power she had of keeping him grounded, sane, through all of the darkness he'd had to deal with every day, through all of the darkness that already inhabited inside him to begin with.

"I will be," he promised simply, with a smile that surprised her, then lightly wrapped his palm around her upper arm, a sudden need for more contact. "Will you come home with me?" he asked urgently.

The invitation took Olivia by surprise, and Elliot felt her arm tensing up as her eyes widened, all that confidence and security gone. She stuttered a little before speaking. "I-I have to relieve my sitter…"

"Right, of course," he said, shaking his head and shutting his eyes tight, as though reality had slapped him in the face. She had a kid, she couldn't just drop everything for him. He was such a selfish son of a bitch. "I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay." She wanted him to know that his request wasn't as ridiculous as his expression seemed to show he thought. The truth was that, after their long conversation in the morning and his quick promise that he could stay in her life in the afternoon, she didn't want them to go their separate ways that night either. That thought seemed to make things simpler. "We can… You could come home with me instead."

Elliot's eyes lit up. "You sure?"

She didn't seem sure; actually, she never looked so fragile. Elliot was mesmerized at the quickness with which she had changed from that unwavering fortress to such an utter portrait of vulnerability. He wondered how many times she had felt that way but kept it under wraps for his benefit, and he felt the urge to be for her what she had always been for him. Could he? He took his other hand to her face, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear.

"It will be all right," he whispered, taking a step towards her and staring into her eyes, changing focus from one to the other, looking for evidence that it was working, that he was able to ground her, to make her feel safe like she made him. After a few moments, she nodded, a slight, almost imperceptible movement, but he knew it was a big deal for her. He smiled.

The air was tense during the ride home, they were driving into completely uncharted territory. Nothing had been said, but the implications of going home together were quite obvious. They didn't speak much; Elliot commented lightly on the fact that she had moved from her previous apartment, Olivia mentioned some things about Noah's routine and how he would probably already be in bed by now. Apart from that, there was only silence, but surprisingly, it wasn't awkward.

Olivia was also surprised at how calm she was, but when the time came to turn her key on the door and open up that whole new world of possibilities, she felt her hand shake and her stomach flutter like a schoolgirl's. Elliot picked up on that small hitch and, with a hand to her shoulder, helped her steady her hand enough to open the door. Lucy was instantly visible in the living room, sitting on the couch with a magazine.

"Hey, Liv," she said, not very loudly, standing up and waving in the direction of Noah's room. "I put him to bed, but he's waiting for you to tuck him in."

"Thank you so much." Olivia noticed Lucy's look in Elliot's overall direction. "Lucy, this is my friend, Elliot."

"Hi, it's nice to meet you," she said shyly.

"Nice to meet you too," Elliot said with a light smile.

He was a bit thrown off by the presence of a stranger. Or maybe it was just a break that reminded him of how big a step he was taking in his relationship with Olivia and what it all meant. He had been so focused on helping her feel confident that he had forgotten to be anxious for himself.

"I'll go tuck Noah in," Olivia said, as soon as Lucy had left them alone, maybe a bit too soon even. "I'll be right back."

"Sure," Elliot replied, with a smile.

"Make yourself comfortable," Olivia said to him as if she were saying it to an acquaintance visiting for the first time; she had to keep reminding herself, _this was Elliot. This was really happening_. "I think there's an open bottle of white wine in the fridge."

"Okay, thank you," he replied, trying to convey it was okay. It was okay to walk away from him to tuck her son in, it was okay to be nervous, it was all okay. He was okay and they would be okay too. All okay. He took a deep breath; she was already gone and he wondered who he was trying to reassure now.


	12. Reason Enough

_**A/N: This is the end! I'm posting this last chapter and an epilogue, I hope you all like the ending. Thanks for reading and let me know your thoughts!**_

* * *

12 - REASON ENOUGH

Left alone in the living room, Elliot realized where he was. It seemed quite surreal; only a few days earlier, he wouldn't have imagined he would ever see Olivia again, and now there he was, standing in her apartment, surrounded by her furniture, waiting for her to come back so they could be together. And so much had happened in those few days; they had talked, fought, kissed and even worked together again. All things Elliot wouldn't have seen coming.

Many times while they still worked together, he had imagined this exact situation: coming to see her at night, after a tough case, checking on her, letting her check on him, maybe having a glass of wine together and purposefully letting one thing lead to another. It wasn't only the sexual desire that made him have those thoughts back then, and he did desire her that way. He would blame it on everything: exhaustion, frustration, being in the same relationship ever since his teenage years, the fact that Olivia was so incredibly beautiful, that her body was perfect, that she exuded sexual energy.

But all of those were excuses. The real reason he had so many times imagined being alone with her in her apartment was because nobody else could quite understand him the way she did, make him feel safe and real and alive, not just part of something, as a cop or as a responsible family man, husband, father. She made him feel like the real individual that he was, like he wasn't attached to anything other than his true self. She made him feel like he didn't have to do anything, he could just be. If that wasn't love, he sure as hell wouldn't be able to tell what was; and it had only taken him twenty years to realize that it was that simple.

He took a deep breath, took his jacket off, laid it on the couch. That was it, there he was. He had finally had the courage to come here. And it was a different apartment too, the reflection of a different Olivia. He took a look around. The living room was dimly lit and tastefully decorated; nothing fancy, leaning more towards practical, with toys sharing space with books and picture frames on the shelves that covered one of the walls. He recognized himself in one of the frames, which contained a picture of the whole team, a few years before his retirement.

He approached it and stared at it for a while, looking into his own eyes; he had a smile on his face, an innocent one, the smile of someone who would never imagine that reality around him would ever change, his arm around Olivia's shoulders like he would never be away from her. She stood right next to him, beautiful in her everyday clothes, her trendy haircut, her warm smile. Cragen stood next to her, the closest thing she'd ever had to a father, and Elliot wondered if they were still in touch. He would have loved to meet Noah. Munch too; in the picture, he looked with a wry smile through the partially darkened lenses of his glasses. Fin was also there, next to Munch, the only one still in the team besides Olivia, outranked by her but always keeping a protective eye on her, full of reverence and respect but also a love that resembled an older brother's. It was a family portrait.

Next to it, there was another family portrait; the new team around Olivia, who held Noah in her arms while he tried to blow a candle on top of it, her smile the widest possible and her eyes fixated on him. The blond detective had a little girl in her own arms, and the grey-haired detective enveloped both of them with a loving arm. Fin also held a kid, probably his grandson – wow, grandson. Elliot recognized Fin's son next to him, looking quite older than the last time Elliot had seen him, a man who was probably his husband next to him.

There were also several pictures of Olivia and Noah. Looking at them like that, he could almost see a resemblance, even though he knew they weren't actually blood-related. He shot a look towards the bedroom Olivia had disappeared into and saw a glimpse of her handing Noah a stuffed elephant through a small crack in the door. He approached the room slowly and saw Noah throw his arms around her neck as she kneeled next to his bed. He heard the boy telling her about a field trip with school, and she listened, patiently, occasionally commenting or asking for more details.

Elliot almost felt guilty of trespassing; it seemed like Olivia and Noah were inhabiting a different country, all of their own, where no one else was really allowed, or, if allowed, felt lost, unaware of the local regulations, oblivious to the foreign language only the two of them spoke. In that moment, he wanted badly to be a part of it, to walk its streets, take up residence, but he knew he would have to earn his citizenship. He was willing to do whatever it took.

After a few minutes listening to him, Olivia told the boy it was late and he should go to sleep. With another affectionate hug and a few kisses, she stood up. "Good night, I love you," she said, running her hand through his curls one last time.

"Love you too, mommy," Noah replied, getting comfortable in his bed and closing his eyes.

Olivia turned around to leave and noticed that Elliot was standing behind the door, watching her with a soft smile. She felt her cheeks blushing and cursed herself for that juvenile reaction. He stepped back to allow space for her to come out of the room and waited for her to close the door behind her to speak.

"You're so good with him," he said softly, and she could see the admiration that he felt.

"He's a good boy," she whispered, taking another step in his direction, expecting him to step back again to give her space, but he didn't. Instead, he stared at her with intensity in his eyes. That admiration and something else.

They were already very close, but Elliot took another step in her direction, not knowing what to say, but unable to stay away; it was magnetic, like a force pulling him towards her. He had always been much more at ease with actions than with words, and that was probably why he had left so many things unsaid and undone when it came to Olivia. He decided he had held back long enough and that he should express what he felt and see where that led.

The tension was palpable between them, and words disappeared from Olivia's brain while he stood that close to her. His loud breathing was all she could hear amidst the silence, and then her own breaths, as they became shallower with every inch he approached, until his nose touched hers lightly and she saw his eyelids closing. She closed her own eyes during that small pause and, in the next second, his lips were on hers, kissing her softly while his hands cupped her face, his fingers stroking the back of her head and sending chills down her neck.

As he deepened the kiss, Olivia put her hands on his chest, then let them slide towards his arms. When her right hand reached his left upper arm, she noticed his shirt was slightly moist where it covered his bandaged wound.

"El," she said, breaking the kiss. "Your arm." She walked him towards her bedroom, the door next to Noah's, and turned the light on so she could see it better. "You're bleeding. It's not much, but we should change these bandages. When was the last time you changed them?" She looked at him; his answer was a smile.

Smiling back and shaking her head, she started undoing the buttons of his shirt, immediately making Elliot's body tense up in response. He swallowed hard, knowing she was only going to check his wound, but there was something so sensual about watching her undress him that it was hard for him to concentrate long enough to remember he had even been shot. He watched as she slid his shirt down his shoulders and arms, and once it was off, he could no longer contain the impulse to grab her arms, startling her.

"This can wait," he explained hoarsely, pulling her into him and kissing her ardently.

Taken by surprise, Olivia groaned as she felt her body grinding against his and once again sprawled her hands on his chest, this time feeling the electricity of the direct contact with his skin.

"Wait," she gasped, pulling against him, and it took him a second to be able to budge and loosen the grip of his arms around her, only enough so that she could pull back to look at him. "Before this goes any further," she said, breathlessly, "and this can go much further really fast…" she paused, swallowing and exchanging focus between his eyes. "I need to know that you won't disappear again."

Elliot was surprised that she was actually asking him that, both because it was clear that she was making a huge effort to put herself in such a vulnerable position and also because that was no longer a possibility in his mind, it was so obvious, but clearly for her it wasn't; he had left her once, what guarantee did she have he wouldn't do it again?

"Because if you will, you should do it now," she said, very serious. "Last chance." Her voice broke towards the end of that sentence, and Elliot saw the slight glint of tears forming in her eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere," he said firmly. Olivia nodded, and allowed one tear to scroll down her face. Elliot wiped it with the back of his hand. "I love you," he said, hoping that explanation was enough to convince her.

Maybe it was, because she was the one to close the distance between them again and forcefully take his lips into hers, a good enough permission for him to respond in kind. He started to unbutton her shirt and proceeded to kiss her neck, moving down as each button was undone. Olivia moaned through shallow breaths, giving him all the encouragement and fuel he needed to keep on going. He slid her shirt off her shoulders and arms, running his hands down her back and then, after getting rid of the shirt, he grabbed her hips, pulling her closer to him while kissing the swell of her breasts. As he kissed his way up her neck again until he reached her mouth, his hands slid back to cup her bottom, and it was then that both of them felt her phone starting to vibrate in her back pocket.

"No," Elliot breathed. "Let it go."

Olivia continued kissing his mouth and running her hands up and down his chest and back, pulling him as close as she could and trying to ignore the red flag in her mind. She was at home, Noah was safe in the next room, so maybe whatever it was, it could wait. As an answer, the vibrating stopped. Olivia sighed relieved against Elliot's mouth, but her joy was short-lived as the phone started ringing again. She moved one hand towards her pocket to get the phone, feeling Elliot grunt in protest.

"Just…" she said against his mouth. "Let me see who…"

With the phone in her hand, she pulled away from him to check, and he moved back to her neck in the meantime. "Elliot," she warned. "It's Jessica."

He stopped, raising his head to look, his arms still tight around her waist. "I should get this," she said, worried.

"Okay," Elliot replied, not pleased but not opposing to humor her. He didn't release his grip on her, though, hoping the call would be quick.

"Hello, Jessica?" Olivia said, leaning on Elliot's chest for support, but there was no answer on the other end. She could hear Jessica breathing, though. She changed her tone, and felt Elliot tensing up in response. "Jessica, talk to me, what's going on?"

After a few seconds, Jessica replied. "He left me," she said in a low, weak voice. "Daniel left me. He called me and said we can't see each other anymore." She paused, then released a dry chuckle. "Oh, and of course, I'm fired."

Olivia closed her eyes and shook her head. "Jessica, honey…"

"What did you do?" Jessica yelled, now crying.

"We need to talk in person, Jessica," Olivia said calmly. "We know who attacked you, and Daniel's reaction may have to do with that." She shook her head again, cursing herself for not contacting Jessica sooner to let her know what had happened. She just hadn't imagined Daniel Walters would break up with her like that, at least not that night.

"I don't care about that!" Jessica yelled again. "Whatever you did, please undo it. I don't care about who attacked me, I just want things back the way they were!"

Olivia looked at Elliot, sighing, and he started to slowly loosen his grip around her.

"Sweetie, there's no way things can go back to the way they were after what happened. But knowing who did this to you and punishing them for it will help you begin to heal."

"I can never heal without Daniel," Jessica said, no longer yelling or crying. "He was all I had, and now I don't even have him. There's no point in anything."

Her voice was weaker, and Olivia started to worry. "Jessica, come to the precinct tomorrow, or I can come see you," she pleaded, and Elliot felt her starting to tremble. "Let's talk in person, I'm sure we'll find a way to sort this out."

"No, we won't. There's nothing you can do, I'm all alone again."

Olivia sighed, feeling Elliot's arms slid down her sides as he stared at her, gathering the overall meaning of the conversation from her expression. She closed her eyes again, shutting them tight, feeling Jessica's pain as if it were her own. It had been, many times in the past.

"No, sweetie, I promise you that, you're not alone."

"I have no reason to live anymore," Jessica said in a low, stern voice that made Olivia's hair stand up on her neck. "I don't care about anything else anymore."

That's when the line went silent, making Olivia's heart skip a beat. She looked at Elliot, her eyes wide with terror. "Jessica?" she called, knowing she wouldn't hear a reply. "Elliot, I think she might hurt herself. I need to check on her."

"I can do it," he offered. "You stay here with Noah and I'll go check on her. I'll be back before you know it."

Olivia didn't like the idea; she wanted to see Jessica with her own eyes, but she couldn't leave Noah alone with Elliot, they hadn't officially met and Noah could be scared if he woke up and she wasn't there.

"Okay, you go while I call Lucy, then I'll meet you there as soon as I can. Thank you. I just don't want her to be alone."

"Don't worry," he said reassuringly, picking his shirt up off the floor. "I'll call you."

"Okay," Olivia whispered, forcing a smile and helping him back into his shirt, but she was really worried now.

Elliot left in a hurry, hoping he'd be able to come back just as quickly. He knew Olivia was worried and he, too, wanted to make sure Jessica was all right, but he believed she was being a bit overzealous; the girl was just upset, and she should be, her married boyfriend had not surprisingly let her down when she needed him the most.

As he arrived at his apartment building and ran up the stairs to his and Jessica's floor, he wondered if he was being a hypocrite for criticizing Walters when he had done pretty much the same thing to Olivia years ago. He remembered her words: _if he's forced to choose, he'll choose his family_. She was right; she knew from experience. He walked past his door and rang the doorbell on Jessica's, then knocked too, just in case.

"Jessica!" he called out, after not receiving any kind of reply for about a minute. "Lieutenant Benson sent me." He waited a while longer, the intensity of his pounding on the door increasing at each attempt, until he started to get worried. She had just been on the phone with Olivia, so she should be at home and awake. "Jessica!" he yelled louder.

As he continued to get no response at all, he decided it was time to worry enough and slammed the door open with his good shoulder. "Jessica!" he called, looking for her in all rooms and seeing no sign of her. When he reached her bedroom, he saw her arm loosely hanging from the bedside through the cracked door.

"Fuck!" he cursed as he ran into the bedroom to find the young woman passed out on the bed with a couple of empty bottles of pills next to her. He checked her pulse; it was weak. "God damn it!" he exclaimed, getting his phone from his pocket to call 911.

* * *

When he saw her walking towards the waiting room, Elliot stood up to receive her in his open arms. Olivia gladly landed on his chest, letting his arms surround her as she let out a deep sigh.

"I came as fast as I could," she said apologetically, then pulled away. "How is she?"

Elliot hesitated; the truth was he didn't know much about Jessica's present state, but in the ambulance ride she had flatlined and only barely regained a pulse after receiving a few shocks from the defibrillator and some epinephrine. They had been working on her since they had arrived, however, so he figured no news was good news at this point.

"I'm still waiting to hear," he hedged. "They're pumping her stomach."

"Jesus…" Olivia whispered, taking a seat. Elliot sat next to her. "I should have gone talk to her before going home. Or sent someone to talk to her."

"Don't beat yourself up," he said slowly.

"I'm not." She turned to look at him. "I thought it could wait until tomorrow, we'd all had a long day. I never thought the bastard would call her tonight and break it off over the phone."

"He's trying to be there for his family," Elliot defended automatically. "His son is in jail."

"I get that," Olivia looked at him, annoyed. "He just didn't have to do it like this, he could at least have gone talk to her in person."

Elliot watched her as she looked away from him, shaking her head in disapproval, and wondered if she was thinking about him, how he had left without telling her, not even over the phone like the bastard Walters had done to Jessica. But it was pointless to think about that now. Not one hour earlier he had assured her he would never leave again, that he loved her. He hoped that was enough for her to no longer see him in every mistake Daniel Walters made.

Or maybe he was the one who had to stop seeing himself in every mistake anyone made. He knew all Olivia cared about now was that Jessica made a full recovery and that she would stay there all night if that was what it took to make sure the girl would be fine. And he would stay there to make sure _she_ would be fine. He took her hand in his, and she interlocked her fingers with his without hesitation. A good sign.

"Are you all right?" he asked softly.

She hesitated. "I'm…"

"Don't say fine."

She smiled lightly for only a second. "I was going to say heartbroken."

Elliot squeezed her hand. "She'll be all right. She's just overwhelmed right now. I don't think she really wanted to hurt herself."

"I wish I could help her more," Olivia said, as though thinking out loud. "I wish I could tell her that it will get better, that she can thrive, that she can be happy."

"You can't. She won't believe you. She'll have to find that out for herself."

"I wish I could spare her this suffering." She looked at him pleadingly; he knew she wanted to be convinced she could, but he also suspected she knew that wasn't possible.

"You can't. That's how she'll learn." He paused, watching her sigh and once again shake her head. "It's frustrating, I know, but it's pretty much all I learned being a father. Be prepared to deal with that feeling a lot as Noah grows up."

She chuckled, looking down, then looked at him again. "Remember what you said about solving the case but wishing you hadn't? I get it now."

They both smiled sadly, then stayed silent for a while. Elliot gently put his arm around her, and she took the opportunity to lay on his shoulder. Thunder loud enough to echo through the hospital hallways informed them that it would rain soon.

* * *

It was already morning when the doctors allowed Olivia into Jessica's room, which was very silent but for the occasional beep from the monitors and the steady drizzle from the rain that fell outside. While Elliot waited for her in the hallway, watching her through a glass window, she approached the bed, trying not to make any sounds in case Jessica was sleeping, but she turned her head and opened her eyes.

"How are you feeling?" Olivia said, stopping next to the bed and taking Jessica's hand in hers.

"Like shit," Jessica smiled, then tears started rolling down her face. "I'm sorry," she sobbed.

"Shhh, don't," Olivia said, squeezing her hand harder and bringing it close to her chest, as though hugging it, her heart breaking at the fact that through all her suffering, Jessica was apologizing _to her_ for what she had done to herself.

"I just wanted it all to end."

"I know. I know you did, honey." She smiled. "But I also know you want to live."

Jessica looked puzzled. "Why do you say that? I just tried to killed myself."

"I know because you called me. You called me to let me know you were going to do something to harm yourself. You wanted me to stop you. You may not have noticed that's why you called me, but you should know that deep down there you don't want to hurt yourself. Deep down you know you deserve better than all of this."

She seemed to believe what Olivia was saying, but she stared back at her with such sad eyes that Olivia felt her own eyes starting to water again.

"I just don't want to be all alone," Jessica pleaded.

"You don't have to be alone, but you have to be enough for yourself." Olivia sighed, taking a seat next to her on the bed. "I've been all alone for a long time. That made me attach to people and think that I needed them, that I couldn't live without them. But I've learned quite recently that that's not love. Love is wanting someone to be there, not needing them to. When you're enough for yourself, you get to experience what real love really feels like. You could have so many people in your life, but if you don't have you, no one is ever enough. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I think so."

"You have to want to live for yourself. You're reason enough, believe me. You have to live to find out what it's like to want someone to be there instead of needing them to. You deserve to."

Jessica nodded, a last tear rolling down her face. Olivia wiped it.

"I want to know what that's like," Jessica promised.

Olivia smiled, throwing a glance at Elliot through the window. He smiled back. "I have no doubt you will," she said.


	13. Epilogue

EPILOGUE

I dreamt about Jessica in the hospital quite a few times the following days. Even after she got released and went home, I kept anxiously checking my phone, hoping it wouldn't ring, and when it did, hoping it wouldn't be bad news about her. She ended up moving out from New York before the trial, in which, she made it clear from the beginning, she had no intention to take part. I insisted she should face her attacker, but she didn't want anything to do with the Walters family anymore, all she wanted was a clean slate. Since we didn't need her testimony to make our case, I decided not to insist; she seemed hopeful about her new start. I offered to drive her to the airport, but the next time I heard from her, she was already gone, and she never told me where to. That was the last time we ever spoke.

Elliot was sure glad when she broke that connection. I appreciated his concern, but he knew better than anyone that some cases just stuck with you for a while. And this one stuck with him, too. He wanted to attend Matthew Walters' trial, and we did. His parents got him a good lawyer, and he ended up making an insanity plea, being sentenced to serve time in a mental health institution. Given the circumstances, we were satisfied with that, and I tried calling Jessica to let her know, but didn't get ahold of her. For all I know, Laura and Daniel Walters are back together, taking care of their little girl and visiting Matthew regularly.

It was indeed a tough case. I'll never forget that night we spent at the hospital, waiting to hear about Jessica. I wouldn't leave until I saw her, and after I did, Elliot took me home just in time for us to see Noah before Lucy took him to school. It wasn't the way I would have chosen for him to meet Elliot, but it was sweet, I guess, and it lightened up the mood we'd come back from the hospital in. Like any normal five-year-old, Noah asked, _"Who's that?"_ as soon as he saw Elliot, who didn't even give me time to say anything, he just said, _"I'm Elliot, you're Noah, right? Your mom said you like baseball. Me too."_

They hit it off, and both Lucy and I were sorry to interrupt them when it was time to go. _"Will you be here when I come back?"_ Noah asked, making Elliot throw me a glance. _"Sure, I'll be here,"_ he said smiling, and I loved him for the smile it put on Noah's face. After they left, Elliot and I just looked at each other and, without a word, went to my bedroom, unfortunately not to pick up where we had left off the night before, we were too tired for that. We simply took off our coats and shoes and lay in bed together, I barely had time to roll towards him and lie on his chest before I was asleep.

We woke up hours later with the sun burning bright at our eyes from the open window and our stomachs begging for food. Elliot cooked us a very late breakfast and told me we should get out of town for a few days, clear our heads. There was nothing else I could do for the case until the trial anyway, and I could leave Fin in charge of SVU. We laughed at that; Fin in charge of SVU, and yet, there was nobody else I would entrust with that these days. I let him convince me, and that night the three of us drove to his cabin.

When we arrived, I understood why he liked it so much. The cabin itself was very simple, yet very cozy, and far from any signs of civilization, surrounded by nature and by a wonderful silence. There was a big garden Elliot had been learning to take care of, and where he promised Noah they would play baseball the next morning. We fixed some quick dinner since Noah was already tired and past his bedtime, and after eating he instantly fell asleep on the couch near the fireplace, which Elliot had lit up right after we arrived as the temperature was dropping quickly.

Elliot caught me watching Noah sleep when he approached me, bringing a glass of red wine. He brushed a curl off the boy's forehead and sat next to me, kissing my forehead and letting me rest my head on his shoulder. We took sips from our glasses watching the fire and listening to its crackling against the sound of the raindrops hitting the grass outside, and I thought about how easy it was to just be here, with him, despite everything that had already happened and not happened between us. He was right; there was something about being surrounded by nature that really recharged my energy and that made things simpler; this is where I wanted to be. A silent cabin in the woods, my son asleep on the couch, the man I had always been in love with next to me, loving me back.

When our glasses became empty, Elliot stood up. I assumed he was going to get the bottle, but he held out his hand to me, silently asking me to take it, and helped me up. Without speaking and without smiling, he pulled my hand lightly to lead me into the bedroom, and once the door was closed, all the rush we hadn't been in took over as he pinned me against the wall, kissing me with twenty years worth of urgency, and I found myself responding in kind, in a hurry to close that last distance between us, bring him the closest possible to me, bring him inside me, where he always should have been.

At times we would stop what we were doing to look at each other, incredulous, and I didn't know which was most incredible: that we were finally doing this or that we had never done this before. It felt more natural than walking, breathing, like I was never supposed to have been with anybody else, like I had found where I fit in the world, like we were parts of the same thing finally being brought back together. It was completely new and completely familiar at the same time, and it felt just as good as we had always known it would. I had flashbacks to all the times I had wanted to be with him like this, and I felt avenged.

For a second, Jessica came to my mind, the heartbroken girl in the hospital with the pumped stomach. I had promised her that she would be all right, that all her suffering could be overcome, that one day she would find the love and happiness that she deserved, and I finally understood why I had seen so much of myself in that girl; I had made that same promise to myself over and over again, and never really completely believed it.

Like me, Jessica had always wondered if that kind of happiness would ever be possible for her, if she was even worthy of it. We had felt wronged by life so many times that we had actually started to believe that was what we deserved, but in that moment, lying on Elliot's chest, spent and satisfied, feeling his fingers gently tracing circular patterns down my back, I closed my eyes and smiled, thinking fondly of Jessica and of myself all those times I wondered, wishing I could reassure her and me both, because, lying here with the man I loved and thinking back to my healthy and happy son asleep in the next room, I could finally believe my own promise.


End file.
